tor.

"Well, you know, sir," explained the conductor, "you can't get
twopence out of a copper."

"Gent up-town telephones for an officer at once. Burglar in the
house."

"Let me see," said the captain, reflectively. "I've got four men
censoring plays, two inspecting the gowns at a society function, and
two more supervising a tango tea. Tell him I can send him an officer
in about two hours."

JUDGE--"You let the burglar go to arrest an automobilist?"

POLICEMAN--"Yes. The autoist pays a fine and adds to the resources of
the State; the burglar goes to prison, and the State has to pay for
his keep."--_Life_.

POLITENESS

Politeness is the art of getting what you want.

MRS. SMITH--"Politeness costs nothing, I am sure, my dear."

SMITH--"No; but if it was advertised at $1.98, a lot more people would
have it."

"Hum, ho!" sighed the New-Hampshire farmer as he came in from
down-town. "Deacon Jones wants me to be pall-bearer again to his
wife's funeral."

"Wal, you're goin' to be, ain't ye?" asked the farmer's better half.

"I dunno. Y' know, when Deacon Jones's fust wife died, he asked me to
be a pall-bearer, an' I did; and then his second wife died, an' I was
the same again. An' then he married thet Perkins gal, and she died,
and I was pall-bearer to that funeral. An' now--wal, I don't like to
be all the time acceptin' favors without bein' able to return 'em."

Dickie's father was shocked to see his son kick his little playmate.

"Why did you kick John?" he asked, severely.

"I am tired of playing with him. I want him to go home," was Dickie's
answer.

"Then why didn't you ask him to go home?"

"Oh"--it was Dickie's turn to be shocked--"why, daddy, that wouldn't
be polite!"

_See also_ Etiquet.

POLITICAL PARTIES

Kane, Pa., May 21.--During a circus parade here today one of the
elephants, as if to relieve the monotony, flung its trunk in the air
and brought it down with a resounding thump on a mule at the curb
quietly watching the sights.

Altho hitched to a delivery-wagon the mule wheeled about, took aim,
and kicked twice. His hoofs caught the elephant squarely on the
knees. The elephant stopped for an instant, but sought no further
interchanges with the mule and finished the parade with a decided
limp.

When Colonel Roosevelt was making a political speech in Maine he asked
if there was a Democrat in the audience. An old long whiskered man
rose in the back of the