"Well, jedge," said the darky, "I ain't doin' much at present--jest
circulatin' round, suh."

His Honor turned to the clerk of the court and said:

"Please enter the fact that this gentleman has been retired from
circulation for sixty days."

"Germany is going to be badly surprised when the Allies' peace terms
are read to her. The peace terms are very severe--just, but very
severe."

The speaker was Assistant Secretary of the Navy Roosevelt. He went on:

"Germany is going to feel like Rastus Rosin, who was convicted of
stealing a hog.

"'Rastus,' the judge said to him, 'you are fined $5.'

"'Jedge,' said Rastus, 'Ah'm obliged to ye. Ah got dat five spot right
here in mah left-hand vest-pocket.'

"'Well,' continued the judge, 'just dig down in your right-hand
vest-pocket, Rastus, and see if you can find thirty days.'"

Mamie had been naughty and her mother finally had recourse to the
time-honored remedy in such cases.

"Mamma," she sobbed, "did Gran'ma spank you when you was little?"

"Yes, dear," said her mother, "she did when I was naughty."

"And did her mother spank her?"

"Yes."

"An" was she spanked, too, when she was bad?"

"Yes."

"Well, who started this blamed thing anyhow?"

"Judge," said the man at the bar, "there's no use of you trying to
square this thing up. My wife and I fight just so often and just so
long, and we can't help it. So there you are."

"And about how long do you keep it up?" asked the judge.

"About two weeks, judge."

"All right. I'll give you fifteen days in jail; in other words, you
are interned for the duration of the war."

VISITOR (comforting Tommy, who has upset a bottle of ink on the new
carpet)--"Never mind, my boy; no use to cry over spilled milk."

TOMMY (indignantly)--"Any dunce would know that. If it's milk that's
spilled all you have to do is to call the cat an' she'll lick it up
cleaner'n anything. But this ain't milk, an' mother'll do the lickin',
is what ails me."

"Quite a good epigram, that," said the tramp, who had been convicted
for vagrancy.

"What did he say?" asked the tramp's pal.

"Seven days."

"How d'you make that out an epigram?"

"Why," said the tramp, "I once asked a parson what an epigram was, and
he said 'It's a short sentence that sounds light, but gives you plenty
to think about.'"

PARSON WHITE--"Brudder Lamkins, how did yer son come outen de trial?"

BRO. LAMKINS--"De Jedge done give 'im two mumfs in de ja