Speaking of substitutes for gasoline, there is the street-car ticket.

"Neurasthenia," said Mrs. Biggums to her cook, "I think we will have
some chicken croquettes today out of that leftover pork and calves'
liver."

"Yes'm," said Neurasthenia, called Teeny for short. "An' we got a
little bread dressin' what went wid the pork, mum. Shall I make some
apple sauce out'n hit, mum?"

A very pretty young woman had been asked to dinner by the mother of a
young man who admired her very much.

While waiting for dinner to be announced the four-year-old niece
of the young man came into the room and climbed into the lap of her
uncle, of whom she seemed very fond.

The young lady said coaxingly: "Come, Mary, give me a kiss"; but the
child hid her face on her uncle's arm. The young woman urged the child
to come to her, saying again: "Won't you give me a kiss?"

The little girl said: "No, I don't want to." Then she brightened up
and said: "Uncle Fred, you do it."

"Your honor," said the prosecuting attorney, "your bull pup has went
and chawed up the court Bible."

"Well," grumbled the Court, "make the witness kiss the pup; we can't
adjourn court to get a new Bible."

MR. NEWLYWED--"Did you sew the button on my coat, darling?"

MRS. NEWLYWED--"No, love; I couldn't find the button, and so I just
sewed up the buttonhole."--_Judge_.

TOURIST (in village notion-store)--"Whaddya got in the shape of
automobile-tires?"

SALESLADY--"Funeral wreaths, life-preservers, invalid cushions, and
doughnuts."--_Judge_.

SUBURBS

"Pa, what is a suburb, anyhow?"

"A place which has lost the joy of the country and lacks the feverish
delight of the city."

SUBWAYS

"There's no danger in riding in these subways, is there?"

"I should say so. The last time I tried them I found myself in
Brooklyn."

FIRST SUBWAY DIRECTOR--"We may have to provide more seats."

SECOND SUBWAY DIRECTOR-"Nonsense! Simply have 'The Star-Spangled
Banner' played on all cars."--_Life_.

SUCCESS

Success in any line is no more an accident than the ball player's
batting average is a streak of luck. It is putting the right hits in
the right place and keeping the good work up--it's head work.

_He Must Dig_

He wanted a job, and, like every one else,
He wanted a good one, you know;
Where his clothes would not soil and his hands would keep clean,
And the salary must'nt be low.
He asked