lights."

A big fat man at the theater sat on his overcoat. Thus the little man
behind him could not see at all.

"I can't see anything, mister," said the little man plaintively,
touching the big man on the shoulder.

"Can't see anything, hey?"

"No, sir, I can't see a thing."

"Well, then, I'll fix you up. Just keep your eye on me, and laugh when
I do."

A vast and determined-looking woman wore a very large hat one evening
at the theater.

"Madam," said the attendant politely, "I must request you to remove
your hat. It is annoying this gentleman behind you."

The massive lady turned and haughtily surveyed the complainant. "Do
you mean that little weedy, undersized creature?" she asked.

"This gentleman behind you," the attendant corrected her.

The lady settled herself down in her place. "You will find it easier
and pleasanter," she said, decisively, "to remove him!"

A Clergyman once wrote to Edwin Booth, the famous tragedian, asking
if he might be admitted to Booth's theater by a private door, because,
though he very much wished to see Booth act, he didn't like the idea
of being seen entering a theater. Booth wrote back, "Sir, there is no
door into my theater through which God can not see."

AUNT MARY (visiting in the city)--"I want to hear at least one of your
famous grand-opera singers and then see some of your leading actors."

NEPHEW (to office boy)--"Jimmy, get us some tickets for the vaudeville
and movies."--_Life_.

THERMOMETER

Hotel men cannot be niggardly. They must not imitate old Cornelius
Husk. Old Corn Husk, you know, saw his boy the other day carrying the
thermometer from the kitchen out into the yard.

"Watcha doin' wi' thet thar thermometer, boy?" he asked.

"I wanter git the difference in temperacher, pop, betwixt inside and
outside," the son answered.

"Wall, quit it," snapped old Corn Husk, "Keepin' the mercury runnin'
up and down the tube like that, fust thing ye know the durn
thing'll be worn out, and long'll go twenty-five cents for another
thermometer."

THIEVES

He was a very small boy, and the apples he was eyeing were very large.
He eyed them for ten minutes, longingly and furtively, while the
greengrocer bustled about serving customers. Now he edged near the
tempting basket. Now he edged away again. And at last the greengrocer
thought it time to intervene.

"Now then, Tommy," he exclaimed, "what are you doing?"

"Nothin'," replied the s