ng answer, "Ah expects ouah side'll win
de case, sah."

PRISON VISITOR--"What terrible crime has this man committed?"

JAILER--"He has done nothing. He merely happened to be passing when
Tough Jim tried to kill a man, and he is held as a witness."

"Where is Tough Jim?"

"He is out on bail."

WIVES

"Are you the captain of your soul?"

"Sort of a second lieutenant," ventured Mr. Henpeck dubiously.

"Come, come," said Tom's father, "at your time of life,
There's no longer excuse for thus playing the rake.
It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife."
"Why, so it is, father,--whose wife shall I take?"

--_Thomas Moore_.

The younger man had been complaining that he could not get his wife to
mend his clothes.

"I asked her to sew a button on this vest last night and she hasn't
touched it," he said. At this the older man assumed the air of a
patriarch.

"Never ask a woman to mend anything," he said. "You haven't been
married very long and I think I can give you some serviceable
suggestions. When I want a shirt mended I take it to my wife and
flourish it around a little and say, 'Where's that rag-bag?'

"'What do you want of the rag-bag?' asks the wife. Her suspicions are
aroused at once.

"'I want to throw this shirt away. It's worn out,' I say, with a few
more flourishes.

"'Let me see that shirt,' my wife says, then, 'Now, John, hand it to
me at once.'

"Of course, I pass it over and she examines it.

"'Why, it only needs--'; and then she mends it."

"Why are you so pensive?" he asked.

"I'm not pensive," she replied.

"But you haven't said a word for twenty minutes."

"Well, I didn't have anything to say."

"Don't you ever say anything when you have nothing to say?"

"No."

"Will you be my wife?"

"What's Blinks going to do with his new noiseless typewriter?"

"If he takes my advice he'll marry her."--_Life_.

MRS. KNAGG--"Did the doctor ask to see your tongue?"

HUSBAND--"No; I told him about yours and he ordered me away for a
rest."

"This is a very sad case, very sad indeed," said the doctor. "I much
regret to tell you that your wife's mind is gone--completely gone."

"I am not a bit surprised" answered the husband. "She has been giving
me a piece of it every day for the last fifteen years."

A sheik was speaking to a crowd of men in a mosque and said, "All of
you who are afraid of your wives stand up." All stood up except one
man