it an accident? What happened?" inquired a worried-looking
individual of the conductor.

"Some one pulled the bell-cord!" shouted the conductor. "The express
knocked our last car off the track! Take us four hours before the
track is clear!"

"Great Scott! Four hours! I am supposed to be married to-day!" groaned
the passenger.

The conductor, a bigoted bachelor, raised his eyebrows suspiciously.

"Look here!" he demanded. "I suppose you ain't the chap that pulled
the cord?"

Tony, the office-janitor, had been working faithfully at his job for
several years, when he surprised his employer one day by asking for a
vacation.

"We can't get along very well without you," said the boss. "You don't
need a vacation. You'll only blow in your money and come back broke."

"I like to have vacation," persisted Tony. "I get married, and I kinda
like to be there."

WELSH

Admittedly this may be an old story, but it has the distinction of
possessing a new twist at the end.

A person died. He willed all his earthly possessions to be divided
among an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman. But the will was
conditional; each of the legatees was to place five pounds in the
testator's coffin. On the day appointed (by Fate) the Englishman
placed a five-pound note, as willed; the Irishman collected a number
of coins somehow--shillings, sixpences and coppers--and made up his
contribution of five pounds, which he placed on the Englishman's
fiver. The Scotchman then made out a cheque for fifteen pounds and,
pocketing the ten pounds already deposited, threw in his cheque with
the remark, "That's easier."

A month later, when the Scotchman perused his pass-book, he was
surprised to find that his cheque had been cashed.

The undertaker was a Welshman.

WESTMINSTER ABBEY

It is a platitude that different people get peculiarly different
impressions from viewing the same sights. A Suffolk girl, who had been
staying in London for a short holiday, was asked on her return if she
had been in Westminster Abbey. "Yes," she replied, "I went in and sat
down, but I didn't stay long, as I prefer open-air cemeteries."

WHISKY

A Rhondda man went into a public-house and called for a glass of
whisky and water. Having tasted it, he exclaimed:

"Which did you put in first, the whisky or the water?"

"The whisky, of course," the publican replied.

"Ah, well," said the Rhondda man, "perhaps I'll come to it by and by.