's afire!"

SCOTTISH GENTLEMAN--"Richt, laddie; but if I do, mind ye, I'll no pay
for the bed."

SETTLEMENT WORKER (visiting tenements)--"And your father is working
now and getting two pounds a week? That's splendid! And how much does
he put away every Saturday night, my dear?"

LITTLE GIRL--"Never less than three quarts, ma'am!"

HE--"I am a poor man, you know."

SHE--"When we are married I can learn to cook, dear."

HE--"Hadn't you better practise while your father is supplying the raw
materials?"

See also Economy; Scotch, The.

TIDES

The destroyer Sharkey, which arrived in New York Harbor some days ago,
dropped anchor near the Statue of Liberty on the starboard side, but
during the night the tide shifted it about to the portside.

This transformation was most perplexing to a rookie gob, who finally
confided his problem to a C.P.O.

"Well, you see, it's like this," the oldtimer informed him, "New
York and Brooklyn both claim the statue, so to stop the argument the
Government lets New York have it one day and then moves it over to the
Brooklyn side the next."

TIME

_Time's Prisoner_

I am content with Now, whate'er befall,
Whether I will or no, Today is all;
No matter whether swift or slow my tread
I find tomorrow still a day ahead;
I cannot overtake eternity--
It turns to time and slips away from me,
And in like wise I go upon my way
Only a day ahead of yesterday!

--_Harry Kemp_.

One Hoyt was fishing from the banks of a stream when there approached
him an individual named Gates, who remarked, with a yawn: "Time ain't
very valuable to you, brother, that's plain. Here I been a-watchin'
you three hours and you ain't had a bite."

"Well," drawled the fisherman, "my time's too valuable, anyhow, to
waste three hours of it watchin' a feller fish that ain't gettin' a
bite."

Uncle Lige bought a clock, so tall that it was almost impossible to
get it into the house. The old man was extremely proud of it, and
found it very good company. He would lie awake nights to hear it tick.
One night the clock got out of order, and began to strike.

The old man awoke and counted one hundred and two. He promptly sat up
in bed, and calling to his wife said, "Cynthy, get up, get up. It's
later than I've ever knowed it to be."

PROF (in geology)--"The geologist thinks nothing of a thousand years."

SOPH--"Great guns! And I loaned a geologist ten doll