a railroad."

The president of a certain railway in Kentucky which is only ten miles
long, was exchanging annual passes one year with officials of other
railways.

He enclosed an annual pass on his railway to Stuyvesant Fish, then
president of the Illinois Central Railway, for himself and family,
with the request that Fish reciprocate.

It seems that Fish had never heard of the Kentucky road, so he
instructed his secretary to look it up. As a result the pass was
returned with the following curt letter:

DEAR SIR:

I find that your railroad is only ten miles long, while my road is
eleven hundred miles long. I herewith return your pass made out in
favor of myself and family. Yours truly,
STUYVESANT FISH.

This was too much for the old Kentucky colonel, who made the following
notation on Fish's letter and sent it back:

"You go to hell--_my railroad is as_ WIDE _as yours_".

He received the Illinois Central pass by return mail.

"Conductor!" shouted a passenger on the back-country train.

"That was my station, sir! Why didn't you stop?"

"We don't stop there any longer," said the conductor. "You see, the
engineer is mad with the station agent!"

"Now will this train reach its destination on time?"

"We hope so, but we don't guarantee it."

"You mean you sell me a ticket to get to a certain place by a certain
time and then you give me no assurance I'll be there at that time?"

"That's about it."

"Well, I'll take the ticket. But I'll get even! I won't guarantee I'll
be here when your darned old unguaranteed train is ready to start, so
I won't!"

"We are twenty minutes late," remarked the passenger. "Will we make it
up before we reach New York?"

"No, sah; no, sah," answered the porter. "No, sah. The engineer and
fireman get time and a half for overtime."

READING

_See_ Books and reading

REAL ESTATE

"It is very strange that no one has ever been able to find Captain
Kidd's treasure."

"Oh, well, Captain Kidd isn't the only man who has put his money into
real estate and couldn't get it out."

REAL ESTATE AGENTS

STEVE--"That Smith guy of the Meadow Bottom Development Company has
got the fastest car in this neck of the country. He makes ninety miles
an hour."

HANK--"Some car! What's he want of such a speed demon?"

STEVE--"He's gotta have it when he's advertising his development as
being five minute