Out at the front two regiments, returning to the trenches, chanced to
meet. There was the usual exchange of wit.

"When's the bloomin' war goin' to end?" asked one north-country lad.

"Dunno," replied one of the southshires. "We've planted some daffydils
in front of our trench."

"Bloomin' optimists!" snorted the man from the north. "We've planted
acorns."

_See also_ Irish bulls; Optimism.

PHILADELPHIA

The city of Philadelphia offers a liberal reward for the most
important contribution toward civic improvement. A fine opportunity
for manufacturers of alarm clocks.

PHILANTHROPISTS

WEALTHY BENEFACTRESS (stopping in at the hospital)--"Well, we'll bring
the car tomorrow, and take some of your patients for a drive. And, by
the bye, nurse, you might pick out some with bandages that show--the
last party might not have been wounded at all, as far as anybody in
the streets could see."--_Punch_.

PHILOSOPHY

Rube Wilkins says--"You can't get ahead while you're kickin' any more
than a mule can."

All philosophy lies in two words, "sustain" and "abstain."
--_Epictetus_.

The philosophy of one century is the common sense of the next.--_Henry
Ward Beecher_.

Philosophy, while it soothes the reason, damps the ambition.
--_Bulwer-Lytton_.

PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS

_See_ Doctors.

PITTSBURG

PITTSBURG MAN (telephoning to Long Island from New York)--"Ten cents?
Why, in Pittsburg we can telephone to Hades for a nickel."

CENTRAL--"But this is a long-distance call."

PLEASURE

Pleasures are like liqueurs: they must be drunk but in small
glasses.--_Romainville_.

POETRY

EDITOR--"This isn't poetry, my dear man; it's merely an escape of
gas."

WOULD-BE CONTRIBUTOR--"Ah, I see! Something wrong with the meter."

Your poem must _eternal_ be,
Dear sir, it can not fail,
For 'tis incomprehensible,
And wants both _head_ and _tail_.

--_S.T. Coleridge_.

"What is poetry of motion?"

"The kind that's always going from one editor to another."

They were dancing the one-step. The music was heavenly. The swish
of her silken skirts was divine. The fragrance of the roses upon her
bosom was really intoxicating.

"Ah," she smiled, sweetly, with an arch look up into his face, "you
remind me of one of Whitman's poems."

A sudden dizziness seemed to seize him. It was as if he were floating
in a dream. When he had sufficiently