osition with a new-rich family
which aspired to be considered "top-notch" socially, and was being
interviewed by the mistress of the house.

"We call all our servants by their last names," she announced. "What
is your last name?"

"You had best call me Thomas, ma'am," replied the applicant.

"No, we insist that you be willing to be called by your last name.
Otherwise you won't do at all."

"Oh, I'm willing, ma'am, but I don't think the family would like to
use it."

"What is your last name then?" said his prospective employer, somewhat
coldly and as though she expected a revelation of international
scandal.

"Darling, ma'am--Thomas Darling."

A little colored girl, a newcomer in Sunday-school, gave her name
to the teacher as "Fertilizer Johnson." Later the teacher asked the
child's mother if that was right.

"Yes, ma'am, dat's her name," said the fond parent. "You see, she was
named fer me and her father. Her father's name am Ferdinand and my
name is Liza. So we named her Fertilizer."

LITTLE JOHNNY--"Dad, there's a girl at our school whom we call
Postscript."

DAD--"Postscript? What do you call her Postscript for?"

LITTLE JOHNNY--"Cos her name is Adeline Moore."

GRIGGS--"When I don't catch the name of the person I've been
introduced to, I ask if it's spelled with an 'e' or an 'i.' It
generally works, too."

BRIGGS--"I used to try that dodge myself until I was introduced to a
young lady at a party. When I put the question about the 'e' or 'i,'
she flushed angrily and wouldn't speak to me the whole evening."

"What was her name?"

"I found out later it was--Hill."

FIRST LITTLE GIRL--"What's your last name, Annie?"

SECOND LITTLE GIRL--"Don't know yet; I ain't married."

"Spell your name!" said the court clerk sharply. The witness began: "O
double T, I, double U, E, double L, double--"

"Begin again! begin again!" ordered the clerk.

The witness repeated: "O, double T, I, double U, E, double L, double
U, double O--"

"Your honor," roared the clerk, "I beg that this man be committed for
contempt of court!"

"What is your name?" asked the judge.

"My name, your honor, is Ottiwell Wood, and I spell it O, double T, I,
double U, E, double L, double U, double O, D."--_Literary Digest_.

"Is Mr. Smith in the audience?" broke forth the presiding officer. "I
am informed that his house is afire."

Forty men sprang to their feet.

"It is the house of Mr. John Smith," added the chair