a banquet: "One difference between Europe
and America is that over there they like to keep you in your
place--stationary, you know, while here we like to see a man rise.

"The European idea is pretty well illustrated by the remarks of
Muggins. Muggins on his return from the pub one Saturday night, said
to his wife:

"'I believe in manly pride and reasonable ambition, but when Sergeant
Todd with his cork leg takes to carryin' a cane besides, it looks
to me as if he was tryin' to climb out of the station what Divine
Providence sunk him into.'"

CLEANLINESS

"Ma, do I have to wash my face?"

"Certainly!"

"Aw, why can't I just powder it like you do yours?"

General Sherman once stopped at a country home where a tin basin and
roller-towel sufficed for the family's ablutions. For two mornings the
small boy of the household watched in silence the visitor's toilet.
When on the third day the tooth-brush, nail-file, whisk-broom, etc.,
had been duly used, he asked: "Say, mister, air you always that much
trouble to you'se'f?"

_See also_ Baths and bathing.

CLERGY

Some time ago a dinner was given in New York at which a well-known
actor, who is something of a freethinker along theological lines, sat
at the guest-table. When the hour for starting the feast arrived the
toastmaster, a very religious man, discovered that no minister of the
Gospel was present, tho several had been invited. In this emergency he
turned to the actor and asked him to say grace.

The actor rose, bowed his head, and in the midst of a deep hush said
fervently:

"There being no clergyman present, let us thank God!"

_Horse-power Misrated_

The new minister drove his two-horse rig up to the mountain ranch of
one of his congregation. There had been some difference of opinion as
to his qualifications. At the gate he was met by a small boy of the
family, who was evidently cogitating a matter of deep perplexity.

"Be you our preacher?"

"I am."

The boy eyed first the preacher and then the horses, his brow puckered
with growing perplexity.

"That's queer," he drawled. "I hern Dad tell the neighbors you was a
one-hoss preacher."

Ting-a-ling-a-ling!

The Rev. George C. Abbitt took down the receiver and placed it to his
ear.

"Is that the Dickel Liquor Company?" a woman asked.

Mr. Abbitt recognized the voice as that of one of his parishioners.

"No," he replied in stern reproof; "it is your rector."

Was th