has learned to swear
during my absence."

"My husband has had indigestion for the past month."

"Really! I'm so sorry! I had no idea you were without a cook."

OFFICER--"Is that soup ready, Jones?"

OFFICER'S SERVANT--"No, sir, the stove went out, sir."

OFFICER--"Went out! Then why don't you light it again?"

OFFICER'S SERVANT--"'Cos it went out by the roof, sir."

"How do you like my pound cake, dearie?" asked Mrs. Newlywed.

"Why, er-er-er," stammered Mr. Newlywed, "I don't think you pounded it
enough, did you?"

She had not been married long. She made a pie for dinner. During the
meal she hesitatingly remarked to her husband:

"I think I left out something and the pie isn't very good."

After taking a bite he sadly replied:

"You are wrong, my dear! Nothing you left out could make a pie taste
like this. It's something you put in."

COOKS

_See_ Servants

COOPERATION

It is not the guns or armament
Or the money they can pay;
It's the close cooperation
That makes them win the day;
It's not the individual
Or the army as a whole
But the everlasting team work
Of every blooming soul.

--_Kipling_.

CORPULENCE

A very fat old lady who got stuck in the door of a car could get
neither out nor in.

"Sideways, ma'am. Try sideways," the conductor shouted helpfully.

"Oh, drat the feller," panted the old lady. "I ain't got no sideways."

"Excuse me, madam, would you mind walking the other way and not
passing the horse?" said an English cabman, with exaggerated
politeness, to the fat woman who had just paid a minimum fare, with no
fee.

"Why?" she inquired.

"Because if 'e sees wot 'e's been carrying for so little money 'e'll
'ave a fit," was the freezing answer.

CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOLS

_The Stamp of Learning_

"Pa, what's a postgraduate?"

"A fellow who graduates from one of those correspondence schools, I
suppose."

COSMOPOLITANISM

JOE--"'Ere, Curly! You know everything-what's a cosmopolitan?"

CURLY--"Well, it's like this-suppose you was a Russian Jew livin'
in England married to a black woman an' you'd just finished a bit of
Irish stew an' was smokin' an Egyptian cigaret, while a German
band outside was playin' the Blue Bells o' Scotland--you'd be a
cosmopolitan."

COST OF LIVING

"He has got the first dollar that he ever earned!"

"What a bally ass! Think how much more he could have bough