e today."

NED--"But you got a check didn't you?"

TED--"Yes, but to get off I had to use up the best excuse I ever had
in my life."--_Judge_.

Johnny B----, who has seen eight summers go by, not very long ago
developed a fondness for playing hooky from school. After two or three
offenses of this kind he was taken to task by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "the next time you are absent I want you to bring
me an excuse from your father telling me why you were not here."

"I don't want to bring an excuse from my father," protested the boy.

"Why not?" asked the teacher, her suspicion plain.

"'Cause father isn't any good at making excuses."

In his Savannah camp Bill Donovan, baseball manager, had a dusky-hued
waiter at the hotel by the name of Sutton. Bill had to reproach Sutton
more than once for a lack of agility in arriving with the food.
Sutton promised to improve. One morning he brought in a consignment of
griddle-cakes that had gone cold.

"What do you mean," said Bill, "by bringing me in cold cakes?"

"Well, I'll tell you, boss," said Sutton. "I brung them cakes in so
fast that I guess they hit a draft."

A country school-master had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial,
and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys
were late, and were called up to account for it.

"You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not come?"

"Please, sir," said the favorite, "I was dreaming that I was going to
Margate, and I thought the school-bell was the steam-boat-bell."

"Very well," said the master, glad of any pretext to excuse his
favorite. "And now, sir," turning to the other, "What have you to
say?"

"Please, sir," said the puzzled boy, "I--I--was waiting to see Tom
off!"

"Waiter, bring me two fried eggs, some ham, a cup of coffee, and a
roll," said the first "commercial."

"Bring me the same," said his friend, "but eliminate the eggs."

"Yessir."

In a moment the waiter came back, leaned confidentially and penitently
over the table, and whispered:

"We 'ad a bad accident just before we opened this mornin', sir, and
the 'andle of the 'liminator got busted off. Will you take yer heggs
fried, same as this 'ere gentleman?"

EXECUTIVE ABILITY

Executive ability has been variously defined, but the following from
an executive with a sense of humor seems to cover the whole subject.
He said: "Executive ability is the ability to hire someone to do work
for