beamed Mrs. Flanagan. "It's the darlint ye certinly are. I
wor wonderin' how I cud raise it meself, sur."

BLONDINE--"Isn't Bennie Beanbrough the thick one?"

BRUNETTA--"He is all of that."

"I said to him 'every time I open my mouth I put my foot in it--'"

"Uh huh!"

"And right away the poor fish looked down at my feet."

An Irishman who is noted for his wit went into a public-house the
other day and called for a glass of beer. The tumbler was not full
enough for Pat's satisfaction, so he quietly asked the publican how
many barrels of beer he sold in a week.

"Ten," replied the publican.

"I think," replied Pat, "if yer stand me a pint I could put yez on a
plan to sell eleven barrels a week."

"Agreed," said the landlord, handing him a pint. "How now am I to do
it?"

Pat, taking a big drink at his new pint, "Always fill your glasses."

An Irishman who was rather too fond of strong drink was asked by the
parish priest:

"My son, how do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The Irishman replied:

"Shure, and that's aisy! When I get to the gates of Heaven I'll open
the door and shut the door, and open the door and shut the door,
an' keep on doing that till St. Peter gets impatient and says, 'For
goodness' sake, Mike, either come in or stay out!'"

Soon after a certain judge of the Supreme Court of Rhode Island had
been appointed he went down into one of the southern counties to sit
for a week. He was well satisfied with himself.

"Mary," he said to the Irish waitress at the hotel where he was
stopping, "you've been in this country how long?"

"Two years, sir," she said.

"Do you like it?"

"Sure, it's well enough," answered Mary.

"But, Mary," the judge continued, "you have many privileges in this
country, which you'd not have in Ireland. Now at home you would
never be in a room with a justice of the supreme court, and chatting
familiarly with him."

"But, sure, sir," said Mary, quite in earnest, "you'd never be a judge
at home."

"Sure, Oi'll write me name on the back o' your note, guaranteein'
ye'll pay ut," said Pat, smiling pleasantly as he indorsed Billup's
note, "but Oi know doomed well ye won't pay ut. We'll have a laugh at
th' ixpinse of the bank."--_Life_.

PAT--"This is the foist time inny of these corporations hev done
innything to binnefit the workingman."

MIKE--"How is that, Pat?"

PAT--"It is this siven-cint fare. I hev bin walkin' to and from me
work and savin' t