Guire. "Oi'd have had the law on my soide, but Oi'd have
had him on me stomach."

Congressman Hull, of Iowa, sent free seeds to a constituent in a
franked envelop, on the corner of which were the usual words, "Penalty
for private use, $300." A few days later he received a letter which
read:

"I don't know what to do about those garden-seeds you sent me. I
notice it is $300 fine for private use. I don't want to use them for
the public. I want to plant them in my private garden. I can't afford
to pay $300 for the privilege. Won't you see if you can't fix it so I
can use them privately? I am a law-abiding citizen, and do not want to
commit any crime."

LAWYERS

LAWYER--"Are you aware, sir, that what you contemplate is illegal?"

CLIENT--"Certainly. What do you suppose I came to consult you for?"

An Atlanta lawyer tells of a newly qualified judge in one of the
towns of the South who was trying one of his first criminal cases. The
prisoner was an old negro charged with robbing a hen-coop. He had been
in court before on a similar charge and was then acquitted.

"Well Henry," observed the Judge, "I see you're in trouble again."

"Yessuh," replied the negro. "De las' time, Jedge, you rec'lect, you
was mah lawyuh."

"Where is your lawyer this time?"

"I ain't got no lawyer dis time," said Henry. "Ah's gwine to tell de
troof."

"Pa, what is a retainer?"

"What you pay a lawyer before he does any work for you, my son."

"Oh, I see. It's like the quarter you put in the gas-meter before you
get any gas."

After a young lawyer had talked nearly five hours to a jury, who felt
like lynching him, his opponent, a grizzled old veteran, arose, looked
sweetly at the judge, and said:

"Your honor, I will follow the example of my young friend who has just
finished, and submit the case without argument."--_Life_.

A Chicago business man, with many relatives, some of whom were
well-to-do but grasping, recently sought the services of his lawyer to
draw up his will. When, after much labor, the document was completed,
the client asked:

"Have you fixed this thing, as I wished it, tight and strong?"

"I have done my best," said the lawyer.

"Well," continued the client, "I want to ask you another thing--not
professionally, however. As a friend, and man to man, who do you think
stands the best chance of getting the property when I am gone?"

The attorneys for the prosecution and defense had been allowed