of your rule and two thumbs over, with this piece of brick and
the breadth of my hand and my arm from here to there, bar a
finger."--_Everybody's_.

MEDALS

A well-known admiral--a stickler for uniform--stopped opposite a
very portly sailor whose medal-ribbon was an inch or so too low down.
Fixing the man with his eye, the admiral asked: "Did you get that
medal for eating, my man?"

On the man replying "No, sir," the admiral rapped out: "Then why the
deuce do you wear it on your stomach?"

MEDICAL ETHICS

Not so very long ago a certain attorney was quite ill. A doctor was
summoned, but directly he arrived and got one look at his patient he
said, "Sorry, but you'll have to call another doctor."

"Am I as sick as all that?" gasped the attorney.

"No, but you're the lawyer that cross-examined me when I was called
to give expert testimony in a certain case. Now my conscience won't
permit me to kill you, but I'm darned if I care to cure you. Good
day."

MEDICINE

DOCTOR--"What? Troubled with sleeplessness? Eat something before going
to bed."

PATIENT--"Why doctor, you once told me never to eat anything before
going to bed."

DOCTOR (with dignity)--"Pooh, pooh! That was last January. Science has
made enormous strides since then."

GIRL (to druggist)--"Could you fix me a dose of castor oil so as the
oil won't taste?"

DRUGGIST--"Certainly! Won't you have a glass of soda while waiting?"
(She drinks the soda.)

DRUGGIST--"Something else, miss?"

GIRL--"No, just the oil."

DRUGGIST--"But you have just drank it."

GIRL--"Oh! It was for my mother."

"Are you of the opinion, James," asked a slim-looking man of his
companion, "that Dr. Smith's medicine does any good?"

"Not unless you follow the directions."

"What are the directions?"

"Keep the bottle tightly corked."

MEMORY

Most of us forget to remember; it is harder, far, to remember to
forget. And the more one endeavors to forget, the more memory insists.

"So you really think your memory is improving under treatment. You
remember things now?"

"Well, not exactly, but I have progressed so far that I can frequently
remember that I have forgotten something, if I could only remember
what it is."

A school-teacher who had been telling a class of small pupils the
story of discovery of America by Columbus, ended it with: "And all
this happened more than six hundred years ago."

A little boy, his eyes wi