alled spats."

Little Tommy at the "movies" saw a tribe of Indians painting their
faces, and asked his mother the significance of this.

"Indians," his mother answered, "always paint their faces before going
on the war-path--before scalping and tomahawking and murdering."

The next evening after dinner, as the mother entertained in the parlor
her daughter's young man, Tommy rushed downstairs, wide-eyed with
fright.

"Come on, mother!" he cried. "Let's get out of this quick! Sister is
going on the war-path!"

Mrs. Will Irwin said at a Washington Square tea:

"The more immodest fashions would disappear if men would resolutely
oppose them.

"I know a woman whose dressmaker sent home the other day a skirt
that was, really, too short altogether. The woman put it on. It was
becoming enough, dear knows, but it made her feel ashamed. She entered
the library, and her husband looked up from his work with a dark
frown.

"'I wonder,' she said, with an embarrassed laugh, 'if these
ultra-short skirts will ever go out?'

"'They'll never go out with me,' he answered in decided tones."

Those reform preachers who designed the moral gown for women did a
good job. Now to design a woman who will wear it.

FAIR CUSTOMER (to salesman displaying modern bathing suit)--"And
you're sure this bathing suit won't shrink?"

SALESMAN--"No, miss; it has nowhere to shrink to."

POLICEMAN--"Lost yer mammy, 'ave yer? Why didn't yer keep hold of her
skirt?"

LITTLE ALFRED--"I cou--cou--couldn't reach it."

When ladies wore their dresses very low and very short, a wit observed
that "they began too late and ended too soon."

FAIR CUSTOMER--"I'd like to try on that one over there."

SALESMAN--"I'm sorry, madam, but that is the lampshade."

The Fifth Avenue Bus having stopped, the lady at the top of the stairs
was slow in descending. "Come on down, lady," said the conductor in a
bored tone, "legs ain't no treat to me."

FATE

All human things are subject to decay,
And when fate summons, monarchs must obey.

--_Dryden_.

All are architects of Fate,
Working in these walls of Time:
Some with massive deeds and great,
Some with ornaments of rhyme.

--_Longfellow_.

Fate holds the strings, and Men like Children, move
But as they're led: Success is from above.

--_Lord Lansdowne_.

One ship drives east, and another west
With the self-same winds that blow;
'Tis the