, Willie?" asked the teacher of a small
pupil.

"Men," answered Willie.

"And, the plural of child?"

"Twins," was the unexpected reply.

A colored woman one day visited the court-house in a Tennessee town
and said to the judge:

"Is you-all the reperbate judge?"

"I am the judge of probate, mammy."

"I'se come to you-all 'cause I'se in trubble. Mah man--he's done
died detested and I'se got t'ree little infidels so I'se cum to be
appointed der execootioner."

ENGLISHMEN

At a dinner in New York an Englishman heard for the first time and,
probably after due explanation, was much amused by that "toasted"
chestnut:

"Here's to the happiest hours of my life,

"Spent in the arms of another man's wife:

"My mother."

Shortly after his return to England he was present at a banquet,
and thought he would get off the New York toast he had considered so
clever. At the proper time he rose and said:

"Here's to the happiest hours of my life,

"Spent in the arms of another man's wife:

"Spent in the arms of another man's wife--

"Another man's wife. Excuse me, I really cawn't recall the lady's
name, but it doesn't matter."

ENTHUSIASM

A Soldier of color, recently "over there," had proposed to, and been
accepted by his dusky sweetheart. During the marriage ceremony he
showed such signs of nervousness that the minister, noticing it,
whispered to him, in a voice which could have been heard half a mile:

"What's de mattah wif you Rastus, is yo dun los' yo' ring or sumpin?"

"N-no sah, Mr. Preacher," answered the ex-hero, "but I sho nuff dun
los' mah 'thusiasm."

If a man lacks enthusiasm it takes him twice as long to accomplish a
task.

A man who allows himself to be carried away with enthusiasm often has
to walk back.

EPIGRAMS

An epigram is a twinkle in the eye of Truth.

Many a woman is blamed for making a fool of a man when he is really
self-made.

Some men are like rusty needles; the best way to clean and brighten
them is with work.

When one reaches the end of his rope, he should tie a knot in it and
hang on.

EPITAPHS

_A Tired Woman's Epitaph_
_(Before 1850)_

Here lies a poor woman,
Who always was tired;
She lived in a house,
Where help was not hired;
Her last words on earth were,
"Dear friends I am going;
Where washing ain't done,
Nor sweeping nor sewing;
But everything the