isitors.

"Well," said the guide, "them as ain't idiots turns off the tap."

_He Had Left the Cards All Right_

The high-born dame was breaking in a new footman--stupid but honest.

In her brougham, about to make a round of visits, she found she had
forgotten her bits of pasteboard. So she sent the man back with
orders to bring some of her cards that were on the mantelpiece in her
boudoir, and put them in his pocket.

At different houses, she told the footman to hand in one, and
sometimes a couple, until at last she told Jeames to leave three at
one house.

"Can't do it, mum."

"How's that?"

"I've only got two left--the ace of spades and the seven of clubs."

_And That Settled It_

"If ye please, mum," said the ancient hero, in an appealing voice, as
he stood at the back door of the cottage on washday, "I've lost my
leg----"

"Well, I ain't got it," snapped the woman fiercely,

And the door closed with a bang.

_What Do You Think the Porter Did_?

A lady in the centre seat of the parlor car heard the request of a
fellow-passenger directly opposite asking the porter to open the
window, and, scenting a draft, she immediately drew a cloak about her.

"Porter, if that window is opened," she snapped testily, "I shall
freeze to death."

"And if the window is kept closed," returned the other passenger, "I
shall surely suffocate."

The poor porter stood absolutely puzzled between the two fires.

"Say, boss," he finally said to a commercial traveler seated near by,
"what would you do?"

"Do?" echoed the traveler. "Why, man, that is a very simple matter;
open the window and freeze one lady. Then close it and suffocate the
other."

_She Said It_

A visitor of noble birth was expected to arrive at a large country
house in the North of England, and the daughter of the house, aged
seven, was receiving final instructions from her mother.

"And now, dear," she said, "when the Duke speaks to you do not forget
always to say 'your Grace.'"

Presently the great man arrived, and after greeting his host and
hostess he said to the child, "Well, my dear, and what is your name?"
Judge of his surprise when the little girl solemnly closed her eyes
and with clasped hands exclaimed, "For what we are about to receive
may we be truly fankful, amen."

_His Idea of Genius_

A young man once said to Thomas A. Edison, the inventor; "Mr. Edison,
don't you believe that genius is inspiration?"

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