e the report by mail duly signed, but with this written in
red ink under the comment: "You ought to hear his mother."

_An Endless Wash_

In one of the lesser Indian hill wars an English detachment took an
Afghan prisoner. The Afghan was very dirty. Accordingly two
privates were deputed to strip and wash him.

The privates dragged the man to a stream of running water, undressed
him, plunged him in, and set upon him lustily with stiff brushes and
large cakes of white soap.

After a long time one of the privates came back to make a report. He
saluted his officer and said disconsolately:

"It's no use, sir. It's no use."

"No use?" said the officer. "What do you mean? Haven't you washed
that Afghan yet?"

"It's no use, sir," the private repeated. "We've washed him for two
hours, but it's no use."

"How do you mean it's no use ?" said the officer angrily.

"Why, sir," said the private, "after rubbin' him and scrubbin' him
till our arms ached I'll be hanged if we didn't come to another suit
of clothes."

_Once Dead Always Dead_

The hero of the play, after putting up a stiff fight with the
villain, had died to slow music, says a storyteller in "The Chicago
Tribune."

The audience insisted on his coming before the curtain.

He refused to appear.

But the audience still insisted.

Then the manager, a gentleman with a strong accent, came to the front.

"Ladies an' gintlemen," he said, "the carpse thanks ye kindly, but he
says he's dead, an' he's goin' to stay dead."

_Had to Get it Done Somehow_

A little boy bustled into a grocery one day with a memorandum in his
hand.

"Hello, Mr. Smith," he said. "I want thirteen pounds of coffee at 32
cents."

"Very good," said the grocer, and he noted down the sale, and put his
clerk to packing the coffee. "Anything else, Charlie?"

"Yes. Twenty-seven pounds of sugar at 9 cents."

"The loaf, eh? And what else?"

"Seven and a half pounds of bacon at 20 cents."

"That will be a good brand. Go on."

"Five pounds of tea at 90 cents; eleven and a half quarts of molasses
at 8 cents a pint; two eight-pound hams at 21 1/4 cents, and five
dozen jars of pickled walnuts at 24 cents a jar."

The grocer made out the bill,

"It's a big order," he said. "Did your mother tell you to pay for
it?"

"My mother," said the boy, as he pocketed the neat and accurate bill,
"has nothing to do with this business. It is my arithmetic lesson
and I had