something that would break my heart if I knew of it. Think, sweet,
what were you doing, now, this afternoon at four o'clock?"

"Dearest," replied the husband tenderly and reassuringly, "at that
hour I was licking stamps and pasting them on envelopes."

_Easily Accounted For_

An Irishman, upon arriving in America, was asked his name at Ellis
Island. He gave it.

"Speak louder," said the officer.

He repeated it.

"Louder," again said the officer; "why, man, your voice is as soft as
a woman's!"

"Well," said Pat, "that might be. Me mother was a woman."

_The Retort Courteous_!

A merry party being gathered in a city flat made such a racket that
the occupant of a neighboring apartment sent his servant down with a
polite message asking if it would be possible for the party to make
less noise, since, as the servant announced, "Mr. Smith says that he
cannot read."

"I am very sorry for Mr. Smith," replied the host. "Please present
my compliments to your master, say that I am sorry he cannot read,
and tell him I could when I was four years old!"

_When He Left_

A prominent man called to condole with a lady on the death of her
husband, and concluded by saying, "Did he leave you much?"

"Nearly every night," was the reply.

_A Popular Store_

The salesman in a large department store wore a troubled look. "You
must be severely tried," said a man standing by. "There are all
sorts and conditions of people in the world,"

"Yes, there are," said the salesman, "and they're all here, too!"

_He Couldn't Bend_

A young man engaged board and lodging in a private family who were
extremely devout. Before each meal a long grace was said. To their
dismay and horror the new boarder sat bolt upright while the others
at table reverently bowed their heads. When the second day passed
and the young man evinced no disposition to unbend, the good lady of
the house could endure the situation no longer.

"Atheism?" asked she sharply.

"No, madam," humbly responded the new boarder; "boil."

_Really, All the Same_

As the railroad train was stopping an old lady, not accustomed to
traveling, hailed the passing conductor and asked:

"Conductor, what door shall I get out by?"

"Either door, ma'am," graciously answered the conductor. "The car
stops at both ends."

_He Had a Good Excuse_

"Good-morning, Mrs. Stubbins," said the parson; "is your husband at
home?"

"'E's 'ome, sir,