ruined me for life, you has, for sure."

_And She Kept on Smoking_

"Aunt Chloe, do you think you are a Christian?" asked a preacher of
an old negro woman who was smoking a pipe.

"Yes, brudder, I 'spects I is."

"Do you believe in the Bible?"

"Yes, brudder."

"Do you know there is a passage in the Scripture that declares that
nothing unclean shall inherit the Kingdom of Heaven?"

"Yes, I'se heard of it."

"Well, you smoke, and there is nothing so unclean as the breath of a
smoker. So what do you say to that?"

"Well, when I go dere I 'spects to leave my breff behind me."

_Doubtful Assurances_

"Do you think they approved of my sermon?" asked the newly-appointed
rector, hopeful that he had made a good impression.

"Yes, I think so," replied his wife; "they were all nodding."

_A New Use for an Apple_

The tailor's sign in a little inland town was an apple, simply an
apple. The people were amazed at it. They came in crowds to the
tailor, asking him what on earth the meaning of the sign was.

The tailor with a complacent smile replied:

"If it hadn't been for an apple where would the clothing business be
today?"

_It Looked That Way_

"Is Mike Clancy here?" asked the visitor at the quarry, just after
the premature explosion.

"No, sor," replied Costigan; "he's gone."

"For good?"

"Well, sor, he wint in that direction."

_Music Touched His Heart_

A thief broke into a Madison Avenue mansion early the other morning
and found himself in the music-room. Hearing footsteps approaching,
he took refuge behind a screen.

From eight to nine o'clock the eldest daughter had a singing lesson.

From nine to ten o'clock the second daughter took a piano lesson.

From ten to eleven o'clock the eldest son had a violin lesson.

From eleven to twelve o'clock the other son had a lesson on the flute.

At twelve-fifteen all the brothers and sisters assembled and studied
an ear-splitting piece for voice, piano, violin and flute.

The thief staggered out from behind the screen at twelve-forty-five,
and falling at their feet, cried:

"For Heaven's sake, have me arrested!"

Some Amusing Blunders

A divine in drawing the attention of his congregation to a special
communion service on the following Sunday informed them that "the
Lord is with us in the forenoon and the Bishop in the evening."

A Scotch minister innocently, perhaps, hit the mark by telling his
people, "Weel, fri