trel-stripe shirt, and a ninety-four-carat
diamond in a red cravat, that for one cent deposited in the slot the
machine would dispense its valuable sartorial advice. The countryman
dug the required coin from the depths of a deep pocket and dropped it
in the slot. Instantly the machine delivered a card on which was
neatly printed:

"Make your coat and waistcoat first."

_After Many Trials_

He WAS a sad-faced American tourist, and as he seated himself in a
London restaurant he was immediately attended by an obsequious waiter.

"I want two eggs," said the American--"one fried on one side and one
on the other."

"'Ow is that, sir ?" asked the astounded waiter.

"Two eggs--one fried on one side and one on the other."

"Very well, sir."

The waiter was gone several minutes, and when he returned his face was
a study.

"Would you please repeat your border, sir?"

"I said, very distinctly, two eggs--one fried on one side and one on
the other."

Oppressive silence, and then a dazed "Very well, sir."

This time he was gone longer, and when he returned he said anxiously:

"Would it be awsking too much, sir, to 'ave you repeat your border,
sir? I cawn't think I 'ave it right, sir, y'know."

"Two eggs," said the American sadly and patiently--"one fried on one
side and one on the other."

More oppressive silence and another and fainter "Very well, sir."

This time he was gone still longer. When he returned his collar was
unbuttoned, his hair disheveled and his face scratched and bleeding.
Leaning over the waiting patron he whispered beseechingly:

"Would you mind tyking boiled heggs, sir? I've 'ad some words with
the cook."

_It Was His Only Tie_

One morning, as Mark Twain returned from a neighborhood morning call,
sans necktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation;
"There, Sam, you have been over to the Stowes's again without a
necktie! It's really disgraceful the way you neglect your dress!"

Her husband said nothing, but went up to his room.

A few minutes later his neighbor--Mrs. S.--was summoned to the door by
a messenger, who presented her with a small box neatly done up. She
opened it and found a black silk necktie, accompanied by the following
note:

"Here is a necktie. Take it out and look at it. I think I stayed
half an hour this morning. At the end of that time will you kindly
return it, as it is the only one I have?--MARK TWAIN."

Playing Doctor

BILLY: