s father is an undertaker. He has invented an automobile
hearse. Folks are just dying to ride in it."

* * * * *

"An Irishman comes to this country, remains here ten years, and
goes back to Ireland and dies. What is he?"

"Why, an Irishman, of course."

"No, you're wrong; he is a corpse."

* * * * *

He--Why has he put her picture in his watch?

She--Because he thinks she will love him in time.

* * * * *

"I saw some delicious apples growing on a tree this morning. I
couldn't reach them, and asked the lady of the house if she would
let me take a step-ladder."

"Did she give it to you?"

"No; but she gave me a stare."

* * * * *

"My sister had a fright yesterday. She had a black spider run up
her arm."

"That's nothing. I had a sewing machine run up the seam of my
trousers."

* * * * *

Attorney for the Defense--Have you ever been cross-examined
before?

The Witness--Have I. I'm a married man.--Life.

* * * * *

--I met a deaf and dumb man to-day who had every joint of his
fingers broken.

--That is terrible, how did it happen?

--Well, he used to crack jokes on his fingers.

* * * * *

"I'm nearly starved. Just got in from a three-hour trip on the
New York Central."

"But couldn't you get anything to eat on the train?"

"Nope! It was a 'fast' train."

* * * * *

"What do you think of the statement that there are three hundred
haunted houses in New York?" asked Mr. Knickerbocker.

"Oh," replied Jones, "that only ghost to show how plentiful
spirits are here."

* * * * *

"I saw a big rat in my cook-stove and when I went for my revolver
he ran out."

"Did you shoot him?"

"No. He was out of my range."

* * * * *

GREENE--"These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous affairs
sometimes."

FINNEGAN--"Av coarse! Sure, we hav' t' make a great noise t' wake
the dead."

* * * * *

"I see Dorkins has got all of his seven daughters married off."

"Yes, but he took advantage of his official position to effect
it."

"How was that?"

"Why, he is chairman of the board of public works and he
advertised for proposals."