* *

An Irishman was planting shade trees when a passing lady said:

"You're digging out the holes, are you, Mr. Haggerty?"

"No, mum. Oi'm diggin' out the dirt an' lavin' the holes."

* * * * *

Irish foreman, to gang of men in a sewer: "How many men is down
in that hole?"

Voice from the sewer: "Three, sorr."

Irish foreman: "Then lave half of yez cum up."

* * * * *

TRAMP--"Can't you give a poor man something to eat? I got shot in
the war and can't work."

Woman-"Where was you shot?"

"In the spinal column, mum."

"Go 'way! There was no such battle."

* * * * *

"I suppose Barnum went to heaven when he died?"

"Well, he certainly had a good chance. In fact he had the
greatest show on earth."

* * * * *

"Why do all bank cashiers run to Canada?"

"Give it up."

"Because that's the only place Toronto."

* * * * *

"Were you attached to the place?"

The actress laughed bitterly.

"I don't know what you'd call it," she rejoined. "The sheriff had
all my dresses except a Mother Hubbard."

* * * * *

"If a guest at a restaurant ordered a lobster and ate it, and
another guest did the same, what would the latter's telephone
number be?"

It would be "8-1-2."

* * * * *

An Irishman quarreling with an Englishman, told him if he didn't
hold his tongue he would break his impenetrable head, and let his
brains out of his empty skull.

* * * * *

PETERS--"Are you not sick of hearing everybody sing that popular
song?"

WINKLE--"Not I."

PETERS--"Heavens! How can you stand it?"

WINKLE-"I wrote the song."

* * * * *

I'm the champion long distance cornet player. I entered a contest
once and I played "Annie Laurie" for three weeks.

Did you win?

No, my opponent played "Stars and Stripes Forever."

* * * * *

"What have you here?" asked the fresh young man of the waiter at
a first-class restaurant.

"Everything, sir."

"Everything?" sneeringly, "Have it served at once."

"Hash for one," yelled the waiter.

* * * * *

When we first dined at a cafe
We feared they'd drop their trays, but later