We learned, somewhat to our dismay,
It takes--as scores of men will say--
A big "tip" to upset a waiter.

* * * * *

"Irish stew," said the restaurant guest.

"Faith, I am Irish, tew," said the waiter.

* * * * *

Comstock shuddered the other evening when a lady asked him if he
cared for undressed kids.

* * * * *

MRS. TILFORD OF SOROSIS--"It must have taken Daniel Webster a
long time to compile the dictionary; don't you think so?"

TILFORD--"Daniel? You mean Noah, don't you?"

MRS. TILFORD (tartly)--"Now don't be silly. Noah built the ark."

* * * * *

"Is your friend the dentist a society chap?"

"Well, in one way. He attends lots of swell gatherings."

* * * * *

"Did you know that Xanthippe, wife of one of the greatest of
ancient philosophers, was a great scold?"

"Certainly; but just think what a great tease her husband was."

"A great tease?"

"Yes; Socrates."

* * * * *

The pugilist boxes his man before he lays him out. The undertaker
lays out his man before he boxes him.

* * * * *

An old-maid being at a loss for a pin-cushion, made use of an
onion for the purpose. On the following morning she found all the
needles had tears in their eyes.

* * * * *

BROWN--Up at Hagenbeck's show there is a large bear that hugs a
woman without killing her.

JONES--That's nothing. I've often seen a lobster do that.

* * * * *

"Why do you call him 'Mr. Gimlet?' That isn't his name."

"I know. But he's such a bore!"

* * * * *

AMERICAN--"You have noticed, I suppose, that the balance of
trade, so far as your country and ours are concerned, is still in
our favor?"

ENGLISHMAN--"Nothing of the sort, sir. We exchange a worn-out
title for a beautiful American heiress almost every day in the
year."

* * * * *

HUSBAND--"I am going to buy two little children."

WIFE--"Where in the world can you buy them?"

HUSBAND--"Down at the department store."

WIFE--"Who put such nonsense into your head?"

HUSBAND--"I saw a big sign in their window to-day, 'Ladies and
gents' undressed kids for a dollar.'"

* *