ear the sermon or the music, Maude?" "I
go for the hims," said Maud.

* * * * *

CUSTOMER--Why do you call this electric cake?

BAKER'S BOY--I 'spose becuz it has currants in it.

* * * * *

"That tenor of yours has a marvelous voice. He can hold one of
his notes for half a minute."

"Shucks! I've held one of his notes for two years."

* * * * *

Coleridge, who was a bad rider, was accosted when on horseback by
a wag, who asked him if he knew what happened to Balaam, "The
same thing that happened to me--An ass spoke to him."

* * * * *

MOTHER--"What did your father say when he saw his broken pipe?"
Innocent--"Shall I leave out the swear words, mother?"
Mother--"Certainly, my dear." Innocent--"Then I don't think he
said anything."

* * * * *

"So you were bound and gagged by bandits while in Italy, were
you?" asked the garrulous person; "regular comic-opera bandits,
eh?"

"No sir," said the traveler; "there was nothing of the
comic-opera style about them. The gags they used were all new."

* * * * *

An excellent reason.--Casey--"Oi'll wurk no more fer thot mon
Dolan." Mrs. Casey--"An' phwy?" Casey--"Shure, t'is an account av
a remark thot he made t' me." Mrs. Casey--"Phwat did he say?"
Casey--"Sez he, 'Pat, ye're discharged.'"

* * * * *

OLD LADY (at a ball game)--"Why do they call that a fowl? I don't
see no feathers."

O'RILEY--"No ma'am. It's a picked nine."

* * * * *

Men are deceivers as a rule,
And trust them far you never can;
Though at confectioner's sometimes
You may unearth a candied man!

* * * * *

A lady was looking for her husband and inquired anxiously of a
housemaid, "Do you happen to know anything of your master's
whereabouts?"

"I'm not sure, ma'am," replied the careful domestic, "but I think
they are in the wash."

* * * * *

"Have you much room in your new flat?"

"Room! Mercy me, I should think not. Why, our kitchen and
dining-room are so small that we have to use condensed milk."

* * * * *

"Couples making love will beware of the rubber plant." "While
driving through the park do