ied for twenty years."

* * * * *

BROWN--I hear that they use all sorts of materials in the
manufacture of illuminating gas, nowadays.

JONES--True. They even make light of the consumer's complaints.

* * * * *

"Me eyes is crossed," sighed Kate. "No, love,"
"Not crossed," cried Pat. "Be jaber,
'Tis jist that aich is jealous of
The beauty av its neighbor."

* * * * *

The other day the head of a boarding-school noticed one of the
boys wiping his knife on the table-cloth, and pounced on him at
once.

"Is that what you do at home?" he asked indignantly.

"Oh, no," answered the boy quickly, "we have clean knives."

* * * * *

JOHN--Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making money
fast?

TOM--Sure I do.

JOHN--Glue it to the floor.

* * * * *

"Pa," said little Willie, who had been reading a treatise on
phrenology, "what is a bump of destructiveness?"

"Why--er--a railroad collision, I suppose,"

* * * * *

He always kneeled before the maid
And kissed her finger tips;
But he lost out. Another man
Came by and kissed her lips.

* * * * *

"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I hope you are not
going into politics."

"What made you think of that?"

"I heard you talking in your sleep about 'standing pat.'"

* * * * *

A man and his bride by the parson were tied,
And when the performance was done,
"Alas!" exclaimed he, examining his fee,
"I add one to one and make one."

* * * * *

MISTRESS (to cook who has fallen down stairs)--I hope that you
did not hurt yourself, Mary?

MARY--Oh, no, ma'am; Oi overtook meself at the bottom.

* * * * *

We're all often forced to rob Peter
In order to settle with Paul,
But some of us merely rob Peter
And Paul never sees us at all.

* * * * *

SHE--"I think this a lovely hat you bought me, George, but really
it's a sin to pay $50.00 for it."

HE--"Well, the sin is on your own head, not mine."

* * * * *

Knock, and the world knocks with you;
Boost, and