rove that the assertion is calumnious," replied he, "I have
only to do this."

Whereupon he lightly kissed her on the cheek, and his lips showed
that he was not.

* * * * *

MRS. PENDERGAST (in disgust)--You call these shades alike! Is
there anything you can match?

MR. PENDERGAST--Yes. Pennies.

* * * * *

Pressed for work--cider.

Never out of print--the calico counter.

* * * * *

"Is this a fire insurance office?"

"Yes, sir; can we write you some insurance?"

"Perhaps you can. You see, my employer threatens to fire me next
Saturday, and I'd like some protection."

* * * * *

"We should never complain, whatever may befall us," said the
minister. "The moment we grow dissatisfied we become unhappy."

"Do you really think so?" she sighed.

"Yes," returned the good man; "the first woman who complained of
her Lot, was turned into a pillar of salt."

* * * * *

"Tommy," said mamma, tearfully, "it gives me as much pain as it
does you to punish you."

TOMMY (also tearfully)--Mebbe it does, but not in the same place.

* * * * *

"I'll never ask another woman to marry me as long as I live!"

"Refused again?"

"No; accepted."

* * * * *

A wag who thought to have a joke at the expense of an Irish
provision dealer said, "Can you supply me with a yard of pork?"

"Pat," said the dealer to his assistant, "give this gentleman
three pig's feet."

* * * * *

"They say corporations have no soul."

"How about the Shoe Trust."

* * * * *

"Did your sweetheart receive you warmly last night?" asked one
Pittsburg young man of another.

"No, but her father did."

"How was that?"

"He fired me."

* * * * *

"Permit me, then, to die at your feet!" he cried desperately.

She shivered.

"I see no objection to that," she answered. "All papa said was
that you mustn't hang around here."

* * * * *

Don't doubt the veteran who tells you he was always where the
bullets were thickest; perhaps he was hiding under the ammunition
wagon.

* * * * *

MR. BIXBY--Have you noticed how much better I rest after a d