acher, "Shall I pay
To you the usual fee today.
Or would you have me wait a year
And give you then a hundred clear,
If I should find the marriage state
As happy as I estimate?"
The preacher lost no time in thought,
To his reply no study brought,
There were no wrinkles on his brow:
Said he, "I'll take three dollars now."

MATHEMATICS

_See_ Arithmetic.

MATRIMONY

_See_ Marriage.

MEASURING INSTRUMENTS

"Golly, but I's tired!" exclaimed a tall and thin negro, meeting a short
and stout friend on Washington Street.

"What you been doin' to get tired?" demanded the other.

"Well," explained the thin one, drawing a deep breath, "over to Brother
Smith's dey are measurin' de house for some new carpets. Dey haven't got
no yawdstick, and I's just ezactly six feet tall. So to oblige Brother
Smith, I's been a-layin' down and a-gettin' up all over deir house."

MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS

PASSER-BY--"What's the fuss in the schoolyard, boy?"

THE BOY--"Why, the doctor has just been around examinin' us an' one of
the deficient boys is knockin' th' everlastin' stuffin's out of a
perfect kid."

MEDICINE

The farmer's mule had just balked in the road when the country doctor
came by. The farmer asked the physician if he could give him something
to start the mule. The doctor said he could, and, reaching down into his
medicine case, gave the animal some powders. The mule switched his tail,
tossed his head and started on a mad gallop down the road. The farmer
looked first at the flying animal and then at the doctor.

"How much did that medicine cost, Doc?" he asked.

"Oh, about fifteen cents," said the physician.

"Well, give me a quarter's worth, quick!" And he swallowed it. "I've got
to catch that mule."

"I hope you are following my instructions carefully, Sandy--the pills
three times a day and a drop of whisky at bedtime."

"Weeel, sir, I may be a wee bit behind wi' the pills, but I'm about six
weeks in front wi' the whusky."

Rarely has a double meaning turned with more deadly effect upon an
innocent perpetrator than in an advertisement lately appearing in a
western newspaper. He wrote: "Wanted--a gentleman to undertake the sale
of a patent medicine. The advertiser guarantees it will be profitable to
the undertaker."

I firmly believe that if the whole _materia medico_ could be sunk to the
bottom of the sea, it would be all the better