nife, and----" "Good heavens!" interposed one of
the ladies; "and did he cut his throat?"--"Why no," answered the
relator, "he did not cut his throat with his knife; but we all expected
he would, for he actually _put it up to his mouth_."

MCLXXIII.--IMPOSSIBLE IN THE EVENING.

THEODORE HOOK, about to be proposed a member of the Phoenix Club,
inquired when they met. "Every Saturday evening during the winter," was
the answer. "Evening? O then," said he, "I shall never make a Phoenix,
_for I can't rise from the fire_."

MCLXXIV.--A GOOD APPETITE.

A NOBLEMAN had a house-porter who was an enormous eater. "Frank," said
he, one day, "tell me how many loins you could eat?" "Ah, my lord, as
for loins, not many; five or six at most."--"And how many legs of
mutton?"--"Ah, as for legs of mutton, not many; seven or eight,
perhaps."--"And fatted pullets?"--"Ah, as for pullets, my lord, not
many; not more than a dozen."--"And pigeons?"--"Ah, as for pigeons, not
many; perhaps forty--fifty at most--according to appetite."--"And
larks?"--"Ah, as for that, my lord--little larks--_for ever_, my
lord--_for ever_!"

MCLXXV.--SHORT-SIGHTED.

DEAN COWPER, of Durham, who was very economical of his wine, descanting
one day on the extraordinary performance of a man who was blind,
remarked, that the poor fellow could see no more than "that bottle."--"I
do not wonder at it at all, sir," replied a minor canon, "for _we_ have
seen no more than 'that bottle' all the afternoon."

MCLXXVI.--AN ADVANTAGEOUS TITHE.

A'BECKETT once said, "It seems that anything likely to have an _annual
increase_ is liable to be tithed. Could not Lord S----, by virtue of
this liability, contrive to get rid of a part of his stupidity?"

MCLXXVI I.--TRUTH _versus_ POLITENESS.

AT a tea-party, where some Cantabs were present, the lady who was
presiding "Hoped the tea was good."--"Very good, indeed, madam," was the
general reply, till it came to the turn of one of the Cantabs, who,
between truth and politeness observed, "That the _tea_ was _excellent_,
but the _water_ was _smoky_!"

MCLXXVIII.--A NEW VIEW.

SOME people have a notion that villany ought to be _exposed_, though we
must confess we think it a thing that deserves a _hiding_.

MCLXXIX.--THE ONE-SPUR HORSEMAN.

A STUDENT riding being jeered on the way for wearing but one spur, said
that if _one_ side of his horse went on, it was n