owner one
day taking a near cut, and crossing a fence in the demesne. The earl
called out, "Come back, sir, that's not the road."--"Do ye ken," said
Will, "whaur I'm gaun?"--"No," replied his lordship. "Weel, hoo the deil
do ye ken _whether this be the road or no_?"

MCDLXXVI.--PICKING POCKETS.

"THESE beer-shops," quoth Barnabas, speaking in alt,
"Are ruinous,--down with the growers of malt!"
"Too true," answers Ben, with a shake of the head,
"Wherever they congregate, honesty's dead.
That beer breeds dishonesty causes no wonder,
'Tis nurtured in crime,--'tis concocted in plunder;
In Kent while surrounded by flourishing crops,
I saw a rogue _picking a pocket_ of hops."

MCDLXXVII.--HUSBANDING HIS RESOURCES.

A WAG, reading in one of Brigham Young's manifestoes, "that the great
resources of Utah are her women," exclaimed, "It is very evident that
the prophet is disposed to _husband his resources_."

MCDLXXVIII.--SMOOTHING IT DOWN.

A CLIENT remarked to his solicitor, "You are writing my bill on very
rough paper, sir."--"Never mind," was the reply of the latter, "it has
to be _filed_ before it comes into court."

MCDLXXIX.--MAKING FREE WITH THE WAIST.

CURRAN, in cross-examining the chief witness of a plaintiff in an action
for an assault, obliged him to acknowledge that the plaintiff had put
his arm round the waist of Miss D----, which had provoked the defendant
to strike him: "Then, sir, I presume," said Curran, "he took that
_waist_ for _common_?"

MCDLXXX.--A HOPELESS INVASION.

ADMIRAL BRIDPORT, speaking of the threatened invasion by the French in
1798, dryly observed, "They might come as they could; for his own part,
he could only say that they should not _come by water_."

MCDLXXXI.--DROLL TO ORDER.

ONE evening, a lady said to a small wit, "Come, Mr. ----, tell us a
lively anecdote," and the poor fellow was mute during the remainder of
the evening. "Favor me with your company on Wednesday evening, you are
such a lion," said a weak party-giver to a young author. "I thank you,"
replied the wit; "but on that evening I am engaged _to eat fire_ at the
Countess of ----, and _stand upon my head_ at Mrs. ----."

MCDLXXXII.--MEN OF WEIGHT.

IF fat men ride, they tire the horse,
And if they walk themselves--that's worse:
Travel at all, they are at best,
Either oppressors or opprest.