orbidden
must necessarily be pleasant, sent me directly to my favorite
retreat in the barn loft to experiment. Since, however, I failed,
in spite of persistent effort, to produce any such pleasant
results as I had expected, I soon gave up my attempts for other
kinds of amusement.

A few months after this, in midsummer, a very sensual servant
girl began a series of attempts to satisfy herself sexually with
my help. She came nearly every day into the loft where I was
playing and did her best to initiate me into the mysteries of
sexual relationships, but I proved a sorry pupil. She would rub
my penis until it became erect and then, placing me upon her,
would insert the penis in her vulva and make movements of her
thighs and hips calculated to cause friction. At times she varied
the program by lying upon me and embracing me passionately. I can
remember distinctly her quick, gasping breath and convulsive
movements. She generally ended the seance by persuading me to
perform cunnilingus upon her. None of these performances were
intelligible to me and I invariably protested against being
compelled to leave my play to amuse her. Even her fondling of my
genitals annoyed me; and, stranger still, I preferred satisfying
her by cunnilingus to the attempts at coitus.

It was nearly a year later that I experienced the first
unmistakable manifestations of the sexual impulse--erections
accompanied by lustful feeling and vague desires of whose proper
satisfaction I had no notion whatever. It never occurred to me to
associate my experiences with the servant girl with these new
sensations. The peculiar fact about them was that they were
generally occasioned by the infliction of pain upon animals. I do
not remember how I first discovered that they could be evoked in
this way, but I can clearly recollect many of my efforts to
arouse this pleasurable excitement by abusing the dog or the
cats, or by prodding the calves with a nail set in the end of a
broom handle. I seldom manipulated my genitals at this time, and
when I did it was for the purpose of causing sexual excitement
rather than allaying it.

During this same year I got my first idea of sexual intercourse
by watching animals copulate; but my powers of observation must
have been limited, for I supposed that the penis of the male