out. A few days before G. was
expelled--for exactly what cause I do not know--he told me of how
greatly he enjoyed coitus on his grandmother's sofa with a girl
of fifteen. When I went home on the boat for holidays I noted the
large, black-haired penis of the strong boy of our school. He
occupied a state-room with me, but made no sexual overtures.

Since my twelfth year I had been wrapped up all summer long in a
boy who was six months my senior. We slept together constantly,
but not once did we think of obtaining mutual gratification. On
the contrary, we held up high ideals to each other and frowned on
masturbation. I took delight in saying that I never had handled
myself, and never would do so. Even at the height of my
"auto-erotic" period, I skillfully concealed my habits from all
my boy friends. A neurotic solo choir boy friend once spoke of
obtaining ejaculation, whereupon I expressed utter ignorance of
such an act, little hypocrite that I was. This boy told how the
house servants joked with him about coitus and made laughing
lunges at his organs.

But much as I loved my chum, my most passionate regard went out
in my thirteenth year to N., a chubby, blue-eyed, choir-boy of
12. He was a pretty boy to any eye. He was not gifted, except in
water-sports, and anything but popular either with girls or with
boys; yet I grew warm at the mention of his name. He did not care
a fig for me. From first to last I had no consciousness of the
sexual nature of my passion, and the thought of doing more than
embrace and kiss him in an innocent manner never crossed my mind.
For two summers I had nights of tossing on my bed (although I
almost never was sleepless for any cause) when I would see his
dear face and form, in and out of the swimming pool, or engaged
perhaps in singing or in showing his beautiful teeth. I seldom
was smitten with little girls, and I found myself embarrassed in
their company after my ninth year; yet I thought well enough of
their looks and ways to enjoy their company at dances. The girls
liked me in a platonic way, for I was accounted a good, big,
kind, blundering boy with a helping hand for the smallest fry.

During the summer after I was 13, I imagined myself in the early
morning, when I was half awake, as persuading my wife to have
coitus with me. In the course