ht. It had just the very
smallest touch of sensuality, but was more like some beautiful
child's who is being caressed by one she loves; this divine,
drowsy-eyed, adorable look I had never seen on her face
before--nor have I since.

We fell back into our old lustful ways. Later on A. became ill
and the black devil of epilepsy returned. I became gloomy.... A
restlessness and selfish brutality came over me; our love and
peace were gone. I persuaded A. to go to Melbourne and look out
for an engagement. The day before she was to sail we went to
Glenelg for a trip. The sea air, as often happened, precipitated
A.'s fits. We had gone down to the pier and A. said she felt bad.
I just managed to support her to the hotel before she became
stiff, and I made some impatient remark (for she nearly dragged
me down) which she heard, not being quite unconscious and said
half incoherently and very pitiably: "Be kind, oh, be kind!"
repeating it after consciousness left her. Her heart had been
breaking all day at the prospect of parting, and also, I expect,
because I was so ready to part with her. That moment was a crisis
in my life. I was in a murderous humor, but she looked so
unutterably wretched that it seemed impossible to be anything but
kind. I made myself speak lovingly to her, in moments of partial
consciousness, hired a room, carried her up, and nursed her and
petted her all night. The act of self-control, and forcing
myself to be kind whatever I felt, became a habit in time, a sort
of second nature.

In a few days she sailed. When she had gone I was remorseful and
mad with myself. How could I let her go by herself? I resolved to
follow her as speedily as possible, and did so.

If I remember rightly I came to the conclusion about this time
that we ought not to have coition unless we felt great love for
each other. It seemed to corroborate this to a certain extent
that A. always seemed more electric and pleasant to the touch
when we had connection for love and not for lust. Leave it to
Nature, I would say to myself. I began to feel how much my
struggles, efforts and temperate living had improved me. I had
more self-respect, though something of the old self-consciousness
was still left. I did not get better continuously, but in an
up-and-down zigzag. I still had moods of rage app