things drift without thinking of the future, when one night
after the performance--I was lying on the sofa and A. was sitting
at my side, as usual--I suddenly thought, with the brutality that
characterized me in these matters--"I will ask her to let me
sleep with her." I still fought against any premonitory thought
of self-abuse, but here, I thought to myself, is a chance of
something better that will do me no harm and perhaps good. When
she understood me she turned very red and walked away, shaking
her head. But I let her understand that was the only way of
retaining me, and finally, when they had all gone to bed, she
gave herself to me, reluctantly and sadly; for she, too, had been
drifting on without thinking of anything of this sort (she hated
it at this time), but just living for her love of me, her first
true love.

Before this occurred, I must tell you, I had been so much better
that I sometimes felt capable of doing anything, a sense of power
and grasp of intellect which was combined with delicacy of
feeling and sensitiveness to beauty, to skies and clouds and
flowers. I seemed to be awakening to true manhood, to my true
self. And at meals, it is worth recording, I commenced to have a
distaste for meat.

These glimpses of a better state of things left me on cohabiting
with A., and for a time my gloom and black religious mania came
on me once more. I now thought of my promise at confirmation, and
it seemed to me I had offended beyond pardon. When we came to the
next town, however, I openly slept with A. all night, leaving my
own bed untouched. When we returned to Adelaide one of our party
remarked: "The only man who had any success with the women on the
tour was a Bible-reading, praying, and good, pious, confirmed
Christian."

A.'s nascent beauty and delicacy and improvement were gradually
impaired, too. My own conduct became so morose at times that,
besides increasing her misery, I offended the others, and
bickerings ensued. I heard the other actress say "He's mad; that
what's the matter." And I was so wrapped up in myself and my
religious mania that I did not mind their thinking so.

After the tour was over A. asked me to come and see her at her
home, and as I missed her very much I went one night to tea. She
had a room in her father's house to herself. A.