ever been great--in the presence of a crowd of
children. I was fairly at ease with a single companion. My
self-consciousness was something more painful to me than I can
convey in words. At home I wept in my room and cursed myself for
a baby. I little realized the cause of my nervous collapse. Yet I
had too robust a frame not to be able to sleep and to play hard.
The sympathetic pleasure which I had found in swinging my
girl-cousin to and fro I now doubled by letting a 7-year-old boy
ride cock-horse on my feet. I experienced an erection during the
process, and I almost induced ejaculation when I tickled the boy
with my feet in the region of his genitals. To see his shrinking,
giggling joy gave me an exquisite sexual thrill. I longed to
sleep with the boy, but I was afraid of causing comment. At the
new and large boarding school which I entered in the fall my most
lustful dreams and ejaculations were concerned with standing this
little boy on the footboard of a bed, taking down his
knickerbockers, and performing _fellatio_ on him. But I dreamed
also of natural coitus. I fell in love with the handsome,
12-year-old son of the aged headmaster. The boy, O., sat next me
at the table, and I never tired of gazing at him. It gave me a
special sense of pleasure to look at him when he wore a certain
flowing, scarlet, four-in-hand necktie. But O. was not attracted
to me--for one thing I was in a disagreeably pimpled
condition--and I could not induce him to linger in my room nor to
sleep with me. My passion for O. did not diminish, and it rose to
its supremacy on the evening when he appeared in our hallway (he
roomed on the girls' side of the house and hinted at the sexual
sights that he saw) in a costume of white satin, lace, and wings.
He was ready for a costume party.

I now masturbated less frequently, for I was beginning to
appreciate the horrible consequences of my indulgence. I had
frequent pollutions, with dreams. My day was one long agony of
fear. How I dreaded to go to sleep in the same bed with my older
chum, who never made any advances beyond embracing me passively
_cum erectione_ while he was asleep. My day was one long agony of
fear. At meal time my feet constantly writhed in agony for fear
that the headmaster's grown up young ladies should make fun of
me, or that my lack o