of my spoken words I kept my hand
under my scrotum.

A plump girl-cousin of my own age was visiting at my uncle's
during the summer after I was 13. With her I greatly desired to
satisfy myself, but I could not be sure that my boy cousin (5
years old) might not find us out, even though she should consent.
Once when we three were in the hay-loft a wave of lust rolled
over me, but I made no proposal. Night and gaslight greatly
increased my _libido_. On one occasion my aunt had gone to the
village for ice-cream, and L. and I were left alone in the
dining-room. I took her on my lap and had a powerful erection. I
almost asked her to play sexually with me in the barn, but
instead I spoke of an imaginary girl, the first letters of whose
successive names spelled an indecent word for coitus--a word
known to almost every Anglo-Saxon child, I fear. L. laughed, but
gave no sign of assent. For a neighboring girl of 15 I felt such
a drawing that early in the morning I would roll on the floor
with my erect organ in my hand in riotous imagining of coitus
with her. I walked with her in the woods and sat at her feet, but
although I felt instinctively that she would satisfy me without
much persuasion, yet I _could not_ ask her. One night I started
to church in order to walk home with her, and lead her (if
possible) to a field where we might gratify ourselves (I picked
out the exact grassy spot where we might lie); but when I was
almost at the church door my "moral sense" (if that is what it
was) rose and dragged me home again.

During the swimming hour I watched the genitals of the boys,
comparing them carefully in the most minute details. Circumcised
organs affected me as being disagreeable, and men's hairy, coarse
genitals I abhorred.

When 13 I became acquainted with the new mail-boy at the inn. He
was a city "street-boy," and got me into smoking cigarettes
occasionally. I did not definitely take up smoking until I was
16. He told me that a mason once offered him ten cents if he
would masturbate the man in a cellar. The boy said that he
refused. I slept a few times with an ill-favored boy of fine
parentage. He was of my own age, and I had played with him in a
natural way for several years, but my increasing sexual desires
led me to mutually masturbate with him, and even unsuccessful