the purely sensual and the purely ideal
element; which never fused in my experience, but held the field
alternately or mingled somewhat in the manner of air and water.
One person usually served as the object of my ideal attachment,
another as the center round which I grouped my sensual dreams and
desires.

At school I found more congenial companions than I had fallen in
with elsewhere, and the necessary contact with people of both
sexes gradually wore off some of the rougher corners and brought
a measure of self-confidence. I had two or three incipient love
affairs which my backwardness kept from growing serious. Out of
this change of environment came a sense of expansion, of escape
from self, which was distinctly pleasant. I still masturbated
regularly, but no longer experienced the former depression except
when at home during vacation. Relatively to the past, life was
now so varied and interesting that I had less and less time for
melancholy; and the discovery that I could lead my classes and
hold my own in athletic sports seemed to indicate that my past
fears had been exaggerated. Nevertheless I was never reconciled
to the habit and often rebelled at the weakness that kept me its
slave.

When I entered the university the effects of my useless struggle
with the practice of masturbation were pretty well developed. I
could no longer fix my attention steadily upon my work and found
that only by "cribbing" and "bluffing" could I keep my place at
the head of my classes. I was troubled not a little by the
shoddiness of my work, and tried again and again during the
course of the two years spent at this college to shake off the
habit. At the university I was introduced gradually to a wider
social circle and so far outgrew my bashfulness that I began to
seek the society of the opposite sex assiduously. As I gained
self-confidence I became reckless, getting at one time into
serious trouble with the authorities which came near resulting in
my expulsion. I became one of the more popular members of the
clique to which I belonged--much to my surprise and even more to
that of my acquaintances. The physical culture craze attacked me
at this time and my pet ambition was the attainment of strength
and agility. My bump of vanity also grew apace, but an unmeasured
hatred of all kinds