ing.
I think I will call it the Star-Spangled Banner,
For every time I hear it I have to get up.

A Swede was working for a farmer, who demanded punctuality above
everything else. The farmer told him that he must be at work every
morning at 4 o'clock sharp. The "hand" failed to get up in time, and
the farmer threatened to discharge him. Then the "hand" bought an
alarm-clock, and for some time everything went along smoothly. But
one morning he got to the field fifteen minutes late. The farmer
immediately discharged him, in spite of his protestations that his
alarm-clock was to blame.

Sadly returning to his room, the discharged employee determined to
find out the cause of his downfall. He took the alarm-clock to pieces,
and discovered a dead cockroach among the works.

"Well," he soliloquized, "Ay tank it bane no wonder the clock wouldn't
run--the engineer bane daid."

"I heard something this morning that opened my eyes."

"So did I--an alarm clock."

"Have you any alarm-clocks?" inquired the customer. "What I want is
one that will arouse the girl without waking the whole family."

"I don't know of any such alarm-clock as that, madam," said the man
behind the counter; "we keep just the ordinary kind--the kind that
will wake the whole family without disturbing the girl."

_See also_ Philadelphia; Tardiness.

ALIBI

TEACHER--"What is an alibi?"

BRIGHT Boy--"Being somewhere where you ain't."

ALIMONY

_Or Go to Jail_

"Is there any way a man can avoid paying alimony?" asked the Friend
who was seeking free advice.

"Sure," replied the Lawyer. "He can stay single or stay married."

ALPHABET

MOTHER (who is teaching her child the alphabet)--"Now, dearie, what
comes after 'g'?"

THE CHILD--"Whiz!"--_Judge_.

ALTERNATIVES

_See_ Choices.

AMBITION

Every normal man has two great ambitions. First, to own his home.
Second, to own a car to get away from his home.

Ambition makes the same mistake concerning power that avarice makes
concerning wealth. She begins by accumulating power as a means to
happiness, and she finishes by continuing to accumulate it as an
end.--_Colton_.

To wish is of little account; to succeed thou must earnestly desire;
and this desire must shorten thy sleep.--_Ovid_.

The noblest spirit is most strongly attracted by the love of
glory.--_Cicero_.

When once ambition has passed its natural limits, its progress