it.

How often have my kindly friends,
(When Fate has dealt me some shrewd blow),
Recalling random odds and ends
Of counsel, cried: "I told you so!"

But when 'twas I who warned, and they
Who heeded not, and came to woe,
I wonder why they'd never say:
"That's right, old chap, you told me so!"

AFTER DINNER SPEECHES

_Recipe for an After-dinner Speech_

Three long breaths.
Compliment to the audience.
Funny Story.
Outline of what speaker is _not_ going to say.
Points that he will touch on later.
Two Bartlett's Familiar Quotations.
Outline of what speaker _is_ going to say.
Points that he has not time to touch on now.
Reference to what he said first.
Funny Story.
Compliment to the audience.
Ditto to our City, State and Country.
Applause.

N. B. For an oration, use same formula, repeating each sentence three
times in slightly different words.--_Mary Eleanor Roberts_.

"You wrote this report of last night's banquet, did you?" asked the
editor with the copy in his hand.

"Yes, sir," replied the reporter.

"And this expression, 'The banquet-table groaned'--do you think that
is proper?"

"Oh, yes, sir. The funny stories the after-dinner speakers told would
make any table groan."

_See also_ Politicians; Public speakers.

AGE

HE--"How old are you?"

SHE--"I've just turned twenty-three."

HE--"Oh, I see--thirty-two."

A judge asked a woman her age.

"Thirty," she replied.

"You've given that age in this court for the last three years."

"Yes. I'm not one of those who says one thing today and another thing
tomorrow."

"Willie," said his mother. "I wish you would run across the street and
see how old Mrs. Brown is this morning."

"Yes'm," replied Willie, and a few minutes later he returned and
reported:

"Mrs. Brown says it's none of your business how old she is."

"Well, auntie, have you got your photographs yet?"

"Yes, and I sent them back in disgust."

"Gracious! How was that?"

"Why, on the back of every photo was written this, 'The original of
this is carefully preserved.'"

Answering the question, "When is a woman old?" a famous tragedienne
wrote: "The conceited never; the unhappy too soon, and the wise at the
right time."

When saving for your old age, don't neglect to lay up a few pleasant
thoughts.

"To what do you attribute your long life, Uncle Mose?" asked a
newspaper int