sick, alvays talking about vat gread fighders dey
are," said a Teutonic resident of Hoboken, with great contempt. "Vhy, at
Minna's vedding der odder night dot drunken Mike O'Hooligan butted in,
und me und mein bruder, und mein cousin Fritz und mein frient Louie
Hartmann--vhy, we pretty near kicked him oudt of der house!"

VILLAGE GROCER--"What are you running for, sonny?"

BOY--"I'm tryin' to keep two fellers from fightin'."

VILLAGE GROCER--"Who are the fellows?"

BOY--"Bill Perkins and me!"--_Puck_.

An aged, gray-haired and very wrinkled old woman, arrayed in the
outlandish calico costume of the mountains, was summoned as a witness in
court to tell what she knew about a fight in her house. She took the
witness-stand with evidences of backwardness and proverbial Bourbon
verdancy. The Judge asked her in a kindly voice what took place. She
insisted it did not amount to much, but the Judge by his persistency
finally got her to tell the story of the bloody fracas.

"Now, I tell ye, Jedge, it didn't amount to nuthn'. The fust I knowed
about it was when Bill Saunder called Tom Smith a liar, en Tom knocked
him down with a stick o' wood. One o' Bill's friends then cut Tom with a
knife, slicin' a big chunk out o' him. Then Sam Jones, who was a friend
of Tom's, shot the other feller and two more shot him, en three or four
others got cut right smart by somebody. That nachly caused some
excitement, Jedge, en then they commenced fightin'."

"Do you mean to say such a physical wreck as he gave you that black
eye?" asked the magistrate.

"Sure, your honor, he wasn't a physical wreck till after he gave me the
black eye," replied the complaining wife.--_London Telegraph_.

A pessimistic young man dining alone in a restaurant ordered broiled
live lobster. When the waiter put it on the table it was obviously minus
one claw. The pessimistic young man promptly kicked. The waiter said it
was unavoidable--there had been a fight in the kitchen between two
lobsters. The other one had torn off one of the claws of this lobster
and had eaten it. The young man pushed the lobster over toward the
waiter. "Take it away," he said wearily, "and bring me the winner."

There never was a good war or a bad peace.--_Benjamin Franklin_.

The master-secret in fighting is to strike once, but in the right
place.--_John C. Snaith_.

FINANCE

Willie had a savings bank;
'Twas made of painted tin.
He passed it 'round amon