whiskers out of that old scoundrel of a husban' of mine, and the
Magistrate said that if I come afore 'im ag'in, or laid me 'ands on the
old man, he'd fine me forty shillin's!"

"And so you're working 'ard to keep out of mischief?"

"Not much; I'm workin' 'ard to save up the fine!"

"Mike, I wish I knew where I was goin' to die. I'd give a thousand
dollars to know the place where I'm goin' to die."

"Well, Pat, what good would it do if yez knew?"

"Lots," said Pat. "Shure I'd never go near that place."

There once was a pious young priest,
Who lived almost wholly on yeast;
"For," he said, "it is plain
We must all rise again,
And I want to get started, at least."

FORGETFULNESS

_See_ Memory.

FORTUNE HUNTERS

HER FATHER--"So my daughter has consented to become your wife. Have you
fixed the day of the wedding?"

SUITOR--"I will leave that to my fiancee."

H.F.--"Will you have a church or a private wedding?"

S.--"Her mother can decide that, sir."

H.F.--"What have you to live on?"

S.--"I will leave that entirely to you, sir."

The London consul of a continental kingdom was informed by his
government that one of his countrywomen, supposed to be living in Great
Britain, had been left a large fortune. After advertising without
result, he applied to the police, and a smart young detective was set to
work. A few weeks later his chief asked how he was getting on.

"I've found the lady, sir."

"Good! Where is she?"

"At my place. I married her yesterday."

"I would die for you," said the rich suitor.

"How soon?" asked the practical girl.

HE--"I'd like to meet Miss Bond."

SHE--"Why?"

"I hear she has thirty thousand a year and no incumbrance."

"Is she looking for one?"--_Life_.

MAUDE--"I've just heard of a case where a man married a girl on his
deathbed so she could have his millions when he was gone. Could you love
a girl like that?"

JACK--"That's just the kind of a girl I could love. What's her address?"

"Yes," said the old man to his young visitor, "I am proud of my girls,
and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a
little money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is
Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her
$1,000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five
again, and I shall give her $3,000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is
forty, will have $5,000