and choleric old man clambered up
the steps. He stopped at the door, puffed for a moment, and then turned
to the young man in uniform.

"Porter," he said. "I'm going to St. Louis, to the Fair. I want to be
well taken care of. I pay for it. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir, but--"

"Never mind any 'buts.' You listen to what I say. Keep the train boys
away from me. Dust me off whenever I want you to. Give me an extra
blanket, and if there is any one in the berth over me slide him into
another. I want you to--"

"But, say, boss, I--"

"Young man, when I'm giving instructions I prefer to do the talking
myself. You do as I say. Here is a two-dollar bill. I want to get the
good of it. Not a word, sir."

The train was starting. The porter pocketed the bill with a grin and
swung himself to the ground. "All right, boss!" he shouted. "You can do
the talking if you want to. I'm powerful sorry you wouldn't let me tell
you--but I ain't going out on that train."

INSURANCE, LIFE

A man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the other
day.

"Do you cycle?" the insurance agent asked.

"No," said the man.

"Do you motor?"

"No."

"Do you, then, perhaps, fly?"

"No, no," said the applicant, laughing; "I have no dangerous--"

But the agent interrupted him curtly.

"Sorry, sir," he said, "but we no longer insure pedestrians."

INSURANCE BLANKS

_See_ Irish bulls.

INSURGENTS

"And what," asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do you call
that kind of cucumber?"

"That," replied a Fargo politician, "is the Insurgent cucumber. It
doesn't always agree with a party."

INTERVIEWS

"Haven't your opinions on this subject undergone a change?"

"No," replied Senator Soghum.

"But your views, as you expressed them some time ago?"

"Those were not my views. Those were my interviews."

INVITATIONS

"Recently," says a Richmond man, "I received an invitation to the
marriage of a young colored couple formerly in my employ. I am quite
sure that all persons similarly favored were left in little doubt as to
the attitude of the couple. The invitation ran as follows:

"You are invited to the marriage of Mr. Henry Clay Barker and Miss
Josephine Mortimer Dixon at the house of the bride's mother. All who
cannot come may send."--_Howard Morse_.

One day a Chinese poor man met the head of his family in the street.

"Come and dine with us tonight," the manda