l student sitting with her feet in the aisle
and chewing gum.

"Mary," exclaimed the indignant professor, "take that gum out of your
mouth and put your feet in."

MAGISTRATE--"You admit you stole the pig?"

PRISONER--"I 'ave to."

MAGISTRATE--"Very well, then. There has been a lot of pig-stealing going
on lately, and I am going to make an example of you, or none of us will
be safe."--_M.L. Hayward_.

"In choosing his men," said the Sabbath-school superintendent, "Gideon
did not select those who laid aside their arms and threw themselves down
to drink; but he took those who watched with one eye and drank with the
other."--_Joe King_.

"If you want to put that song over you must sing louder."

"I'm singing as loud as I can. What more can I do?"

"Be more enthusiastic. Open your mouth, and throw yourself into it."

A little old Irishman was trying to see the Hudson-Fulton procession
from Grant's Tomb. He stood up on a bench, but was jerked down by a
policeman. Then he tried the stone balustrade and being removed from
that vantage point, climbed the railing of Li Hung Chang's gingko-tree.
Pulled off that, he remarked: "Ye can't look at annything frum where ye
can see it frum."

MRS. JENKINS--"Mrs. Smith, we shall be neighbors now. I have bought a
house next you, with a water frontage."

MRS. SMITH--"So glad! I hope you will drop in some time."

In the hall of a Philharmonic society the following notice was posted:

"The seats in this hall are for the use of the ladies. Gentlemen are
requested to make use of them only after the former are seated."

Sir Boyle Roche is credited with saying that "no man can be in two
places at the same time, barring he is a bird."

A certain high-school professor, who at times is rather blunt in speech,
remarked to his class of boys at the beginning of a lesson. "I don't
know why it is--every time I get up to speak, some fool talks." Then he
wondered why the boys burst out into a roar of laughter.--_Grub S.
Arts_.

Once, at a criminal court, a young chap from Connemara was being tried
for an agrarian murder. Needless to say, he had the gallery on his side,
and the men and women began to express their admiration by stamping, not
loudly, but like muffled drums. A big policeman came up to the gallery,
scowled at the disturbers then, when that had no effect, called out in a
stage whisper:

"Wud ye howld yer tongues there! Howld yer tongues wid yer feet!"