HEAVEN

"Tom," said an Indiana youngster who was digging in the yard, "don't you
make that hole any deeper, or you'll come to gas."

"Well, what if I do? It won't hurt."

"Yes, 't will too. If it spouts out, we'll be blown clear up to heaven."

"Shucks, that would be fun! You an' me would be the only live ones up
there."--_I.C. Curtis_.

_See also_ Future life.

HEIRLOOMS

HE (wondering if his rival has been accepted)--"Are both your rings
heirlooms?"

SHE (concealing the hand)--"Oh, dear, yes. One has been in the family
since the time of Alfred, but the other is newer"--(blushing)--"it only
dates from the conquest."

"My grandfather was a captain of industry."

"Well?"

"He left no sword, but we still treasure the stubs of his check-books."

HELL

_See_ Future life.

HEREDITY

"Papa, what does hereditary mean?"

"Something which descends from father to son."

"Is a spanking hereditary?"

William had just returned from college, resplendent in peg-top trousers,
silk hosiery, a fancy waistcoat, and a necktie that spoke for itself. He
entered the library where his father was reading. The old gentleman
looked up and surveyed his son. The longer he looked, the more disgusted
he became.

"Son," he finally blurted out, "you look like a d--- fool!"

Later, the old Major who lived next door came in and greeted the boy
heartily. "William," he said with undisguised admiration, "you look
exactly like your father did twenty-five years ago when he came back
from school!"

"Yes," replied William, with a smile, "so Father was just telling me."

"There seems to be a strange affinity between a darky and a chicken. I
wonder why?" said Jones.

"Naturally enough," replied Brown. "One is descended from Ham and the
other from eggs."

"So you have adopted a baby to raise?" we ask of our friend. "Well, it
may turn out all right, but don't you think you are taking chances?"

"Not a chance," he answers. "No matter how many bad habits the child may
develop, my wife can't say he inherits any of them from my side of the
house."

_See also_ Ancestry.

HEROES

THE PASSER-BY--"You took a great risk in rescuing that boy; you deserve
a Carnegie medal. What prompted you to do it?"

THE HERO--"He had my skates on!"--_Puck_.

MR. HENPECK--"Are you the man who gave my wife a lot of impudence?"

MR. SCRAPER--"I reckon I am."

MR. HENPECK--"Shake! You're a he