d just declined Mr. Smith's invitation to
ride in his new car.

"What's the matter, Jim?" asked Mr. Smith. "Are you sick?"

"No, sah," he replied. "Tain't that--I done los' $5, sah, an' I jes'
nacherly got tuh sit an' grieve."

GUARANTEES

TRAVELER (on an English train)--"Shall I have time to get a drink?"

GUARD--"Yes, sir."

TRAVELER--"Can you give me a guarantee that the train won't start?"

GUARD--"Yes, I'll take one with you!"

GUESTS

"Look here, Dinah," said Binks, as he opened a questionable egg at
breakfast, "is this the freshest egg you can find?"

"Naw, suh," replied Dinah. "We done got a haff dozen laid diss mornin',
suh, but de bishop's comin' down hyar in August, suh, and we's savin'
all de fresh aigs for him, suh."

"Here's a health to thee and thine
From the hearts of me and mine;
And when thee and thine
Come to see me and mine,
May me and mine make thee and thine
As welcome as thee and thine
Have ever made me and mine."

HABIT

Among the new class which came to the second-grade teacher, a young
timid girl, was one Tommy, who for naughty deeds had been many times
spanked by his first-grade teacher. "Send him to me any time when you
want him spanked," suggested the latter; "I can manage him."

One morning, about a week after this conversation, Tommy appeared at the
first-grade teacher's door. She dropped her work, seized him by the arm,
dragged him to the dressing-room, turned him over her knee and did her
duty.

When she had finished she said: "Well, Tommy, what have you to say?"

"Please, Miss, my teacher wants the scissors."

In reward of faithful political service an ambitious saloon keeper was
appointed police magistrate.

"What's the charge ag'in this man?" he inquired when the first case was
called.

"Drunk, yer honor," said the policeman.

The newly made magistrate frowned upon the trembling defendant.

"Guilty, or not guilty?" he demanded.

"Sure, sir," faltered the accused, "I never drink a drop."

"Have a cigar, then," urged his honor persuasively, as he absently
polished the top of the judicial desk with his pocket handkerchief.

"We had a fine sunrise this morning," said one New Yorker to another.
"Did you see it?"

"Sunrise?" said the second man. "Why, I'm always in bed before sunrise."

A traveling man who was a cigarette smoker reached town on an early
train. He wanted a smoke, but none of the stores were op