The father of the family hurried to the telephone and called up the
family physician. "Our little boy is sick, Doctor," he said, "so please
come at once."

"I can't get over much under an hour," said the doctor.

"Oh please do, Doctor. You see, my wife has a book on 'What to Do Before
the Doctor Comes,' and I'm so afraid she'll do it before you get here!"

NURSE GIRL--"Oh, ma'am, what shall I do? The twins have fallen down the
well!"

FOND PARENT--"Dear me! how annoying! Just go into the library and get
the last number of _The Modern Mother's Magazine_; it contains an
article on 'How to Bring Up Children.'"

SURGEON AT NEW YORK HOSPITAL--"What brought you to this dreadful
condition? Were you run over by a street-car?"

PATIENT--"No, sir; I fainted, and was brought to by a member of the
Society of First Aid to the Injured."--_Life_.

A prominent physician was recently called to his telephone by a colored
woman formerly in the service of his wife. In great agitation the woman
advised the physician that her youngest child was in a bad way.

"What seems to be the trouble?" asked the doctor.

"Doc, she done swallered a bottle of ink!"

"I'll be over there in a short while to see her," said the doctor. "Have
you done anything for her?"

"I done give her three pieces o' blottin'-paper, Doc," said the colored
woman doubtfully.

FISH

A man went into a restaurant recently and said, "Give me a half dozen
fried oysters."

"Sorry, sah," answered the waiter, "but we's all out o' shell fish, sah,
'ceptin' eggs."

Little Elizabeth and her mother were having luncheon together, and the
mother, who always tried to impress facts upon her young daughter, said:

"These little sardines, Elizabeth, are sometimes eaten by the larger
fish."

Elizabeth gazed at the sardines in wonder, and then asked:

"But, mother, how do the large fish get the cans open?"

FISHERMEN

At the birth of President Cleveland's second child no scales could be
found to weigh the baby. Finally the scales that the President always
used to weigh the fish he caught on his trips were brought up from the
cellar, and the child was found to weigh twenty-five pounds.

"Doin' any good?" asked the curious individual on the bridge.

"Any good?" answered the fisherman, in the creek below. "Why I caught
forty bass out o' here yesterday."

"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the man on the bridge.

The fisherman replied tha