rn ivry minyit. An' th' la-ad fr'm Canton
thinks he can pick out th' Jack, an' sometimes he can an' sometimes he
can't; but th' end iv it is th' Spanyard has him thrimmed down to his
chest protector, an' he'll be goin' back to Canton in a blanket. Ye see
it ain't his game. If it was pitchin' hor-rseshoes, 'twud be diff'rent.
He cud bate Sagasta at that. He cud do him at rasslin' or chasin' th'
greased pig, or in a wan-legged race or th' tug-iv-war. He cud make him
look foolish at liftin' a kag iv beer or hitchin' up a team. But, whin
it comes to di-plo-macy, th' Spanyard has him again th' rail, an' counts
on him till his ar-rm is sore."

"Why don't he tur-rn in an' fight?" demanded the patriotic Mr.
Hennessy.

"Lord knows," said Mr. Dooley. "Mebbe 'twill tur-rn out th' way it did
with two frinds iv mine. They was Joe Larkin an' a little r-red-headed
man be th' name iv O'Brien, an' they wint out to th' picanic at Ogden's
grove, where wanst a year Ireland's freed. They was a shell ma-an
wurrukin' near th' fence, an' Larkin says, says he: 'He's aisy. Lave me
have some money, an' we'll do him. I can see th' pea go undher th' shell
ivry time.' So O'Brien bein' a hot spoort loaned him th' money, an' he
wint at it. Ivry time Larkin cud see th' pea go undher th' shell as
plain as day. Wanst or twict th' shell man was so careless that he left
th' pea undher th' edge iv th' shell. But in five minyits all iv
O'Brien's money was in th' bad ma-an's pockits, an' he was lookin'
around f'r more foolish pathrites. It took O'Brien some time f'r to
decide what to do. Thin says he, ''Twas my money this fool blowed in.'
An' he made a dash f'r th' shell ma'an; an' he not on'y got what he'd
lost, but all th' r-rest iv th' capital besides. Ye see, that was his
game. That was where he come in. An' he took th' money an' carrid it
over to a cor-rner iv th' gr-rounds where a la-ad had wan iv thim
matcheens where ye pay tin cints f'r th' privilege iv seein' how har-rd
ye can hit with a sledge-hammer, an' there he stayed till th' polis come
ar-round to dhrive people off th' gr-rounds."

ON WAR PREPARATIONS

"Well," Mr. Hennessy asked, "how goes th' war?"

"Splendid, thank ye," said Mr. Dooley. "Fine, fine. It makes me hear-rt
throb with pride that I'm a citizen iv th' Sixth Wa-ard."

"Has th' ar-rmy started f'r Cuba yet?"

"Wan ar-rmy, says ye? Twinty! Las' Choosdah an advance ar-rmy iv wan
hundherd an' twinty thousand men landed fr'