245

ON GOLF 249

ON THE FRENCH CHARACTER 255

MR. DOOLEY IN WAR

ON DIPLOMACY.

"I'll explain it to ye," said Mr. Dooley. "'Tis this way. Ye see, this
here Sagasta is a boonco steerer like Canada Bill, an' th' likes iv him.
A smart man is this Sagasta, an' wan that can put a crimp in th' ca-ards
that ye cudden't take out with a washerwoman's wringer. He's been
through manny a ha-ard game. Talk about th' County Dimocracy picnic,
where a three-ca-ard man goes in debt ivry time he hurls th' broads,
'tis nawthin' to what this here Spanish onion has been again an' beat.
F'r years an' years he's played on'y profissionals. Th' la-ads he's
tackled have more marked ca-ards in their pockets thin a preacher fr'm
Mitchigan an' more bad money thin ye cud shake out iv th' coat-tail
pockets iv a prosp'rous banker fr'm Injianny. He's been up again
Gladstun an' Bisma-arck an' ol' what-ye-call-'im, th' Eyetalian,--his
name's got away from me,--an' he's done thim all.

"Well, business is bad. No wan will play with him. No money's comin'
in. Th' circus has moved on to th' nex' town, an' left him without a
customer. Th' Jew man that loaned him th' bank-roll threatens to seize
th' ca-ards on' th' table. Whin, lo an' behold, down th' sthreet comes a
ma-an fr'm th' counthry,--a lawyer fr'm Ohio, with a gripsack in his
hand. Oh, but he's a proud man. He's been in town long enough f'r to get
out iv th' way iv th' throlley ca-ar whin th' bell rings. He's larned
not to thry an' light his see-gar at th' ilicthric light. He doesn't
offer to pay th' ilivator ma-an f'r carryin' him upstairs. He's got so
he can pass a tall buildin' without thryin' f'r to turn a back
summersault. An' he's as haughty about it as a new man on an ice-wagon.
They'se nawthin' ye can tell him. He thinks iv himsilf goin' back to
Canton with a r-red necktie on, an' settin' on a cracker box an' tellin'
th' lads whin they come in fr'm pitchin' hor-rseshoes what a hot time
he's had, an' how he's seen th' hootchy-kootchy an' th' Pammer House
barber shop, an' th' other ondacint sights iv a gr-reat city.

"An' so he comes up to where Sagasta is kind iv throwin' th' ca-ards
idly on th' top iv th' bar'l, an' Sagasta pipes him out iv th' corner iv
his eye, an' says to himsilf: 'Oh, I dinnaw,' an' thanks hiven f'r th'
law that has a sucker bor-